Reading this was painful. Not surprising, but still painful. I’ve had my share as an Indian woman of being flashed, seeing men masturbate and it is just unfortunate how it is framed. As someone you have to avoid as women. As something you attract. As something you should be “careful” about.
Not as something you should be angry about having to deal with. Not as a public menace, a crime, a national shame. Not as something men and boys should be hugely embarrassed about, collectively in the society the occupy.
It was interesting to see decreasing order of age of the girls whose stories were shared here. Am curious to know if there were stories from women aged 25 and above. I am 50 and have been a witness to penises being flashed since the age of 10-11. But i have not been harassed this way after 25 or so. The reason i am asking this is to see if the perpetrators deliberately choose a certain age group to flash at. They know the girls would be too shocked or horrified or disgusted to react.
Even I noticed the pattern, which is why I framed it as ages towards the end. So there is definitely some targeting happening towards girls and young women who would be too shocked to react, and too embarrassed to call the police, bystanders, etc. But yes, there were definitely older women in the group too. As old as the oldest woman I interviewed.
When a friend of mine told me that a man standing on the pavement next to a car she was sitting in began to mastrubate while looking at her, i couldn't believe it. To me it didn't make sense. But she isn't one to lie or make up stories, so I believed her with some reservation though.
Over the years, I've gotten wiser and learned that men are capable of the most bizarre things when it comes to women and sexuality. We seem to lose all sense of decency, self control, and humanity at the mere sight of skin.
I wonder whether instead of expensive weapons, we should just have women stand at the battlefield and flash their bare arms or legs at the opposing army (made up of men, of course). We could just pick them of with their pants down. Goes without saying, it holds true for our side too, so let's just have an army of women. Super cool.
I apologise to every woman who has had to undergo this gross experience to get a seat in this flight. It's not you, it's us.
Thank you Vinay. I have lived with and talked about this stuff for decades now, yet it makes me feel a little bit seen and a little bit healed every time I hear from a man like you in an ocean of people screaming #notallmen at women who dare to speak up ❤️
I’m a middle class American white woman. As a teen, men exposed themselves to me, rubbed their dicks on me, grabbed my hand and put it on their erect dicks. I worked in a kitchen. As a full grown woman attorney I had to listen to a federal judge tell me how he liked to look at my legs, and that he bet my boobs were “classic”. I cannot remember a single year of my life, until post menopause, that a man has NOT sexually harassed me, shown me or talked about his dick. And people say “not all men”. How can we tell?
Sounds really disgusting. Sorry you all have had to go through that. Why don’t the other men intervene? Girls should not be expected to interact with potential rapists, but decent men have the ability and duty to police the behavior of men who behave improperly in public. Are there no dads, husbands, gentlemen in India?
Most women and girls in such situations are too shocked and traumatized to speak up about what is happening. There is also a lot of shame associated because victim blaming is not India's copyright. Yes, there are decent men around and the women who do raise an alarm might often find the support of one. But the decency of men needs to kick in BEFORE such incidents happen - after is a band-aid. :(
I lived in NYC for a time. I noticed that I could, as a man, walk the streets and rarely get harassed. Occasionally by hustlers selling stuff. But young women were constantly harassed. I noticed the same thing traveling in Rome and Naples. It’s like men and women live in different worlds, experiencing an entirely different reality. Sadly, many men are raised by abusive fathers who have little real respect for their sons. Who in turn have little respect for themselves. They end up dumping their insecurities on innocents. Then there’s the social reinforcement of these behaviors…
So well put. A few Americans in the comments section are talking about India as an unsafe country and how we need guns to prevent this. I say we need better parenting of sons to prevent this.
Not at all glad that I share this trauma with all these women. No one can even begin to imagine the impact it creates. And most of them have to go through this in their childhood/teenage when they don’t even know anything about it.
I remember not having words to tell anyone what the man was doing.
Unfortunately, some young boys also had to face this from older men. It is a disease which doesn’t care about gender. Pathetic and disgusting!
A few months ago, I was in a lift filled with men (this wasnt even in India). I was terrified! And just yesterday I was sitting in the corner seat of a bus in the last row, the rest of the seats were filled by men. Again, I was terrified and all my senses were on high alert.. The way we all have silently had to suffer through this while growing up has made us feel that a space filled with men is something that triggers anxiety in a girl in India.
Laws exist but their implementation is complex because it places an insane burden on the victim. She needs to catch the man in the act, speak up, capture proof, drag him to authorities, file a complaint, and then appear in court to relive the experience for God-know-how-many years. It is just not a solution.
I have come across a urinator plus masturbater once while in my undergrad. Never mentioned it to my hostel warden even though she was standing by the gate when we arrived because she was another pea brained slimy character, the same window averse one like the one you mentioned. Victim shaming and blaming was her thing. She was a total sadist and I didn't want to give her the pleasure of a narration.
Another similar incident in my PG, inside the hospital when a front desk staff came stood in front of me at eye level (I was seated) and started rubbing himself vigorously. He did it to rile me up and the complaint that followed ended up riling some other people up. I could have filed a police complaint, but I didn't want the same to deprive someone of his bread and butter, though I guess he could have done without butter for sometime.
Now, I make it a point to name and shame the perpetrator.
Another time I posted the fellows name on the workplace whatsapp group along with what he did.
Next time take a photograph and post it online. I know life will deal with some of them, I just take the satisfaction in knowing that.
Too many men have not evolved past the cave man days. Too many women make excuses for their barbaric vile behavior. Just imagine this for one minute...how would a females life be without the sexual & physical abuse threats of these beasts on a daily basis? Let me answer that for you...Amazing, calm, no sexual abuse, no physical abuse, no cat calls, no groping, no making us feel uncomfortable & like we are being stalked because we are trying to have coffee or dine alone. Too many Neanderthals everywhere.
when an idiot disrespects himself, his mother and his father, the lady concerned, and society at large, simply point at his tiny winky, roar with laughter and shout that it looks like an ugly and small bulb from the movie Alien.
then, challenge him to paint the wall with the words “I was here”.
always bring a thick penknife for self defense and travel in a group. arm oneself with a smartphone that can stream funny shit like this live.
Reading this was painful. Not surprising, but still painful. I’ve had my share as an Indian woman of being flashed, seeing men masturbate and it is just unfortunate how it is framed. As someone you have to avoid as women. As something you attract. As something you should be “careful” about.
Not as something you should be angry about having to deal with. Not as a public menace, a crime, a national shame. Not as something men and boys should be hugely embarrassed about, collectively in the society the occupy.
It was interesting to see decreasing order of age of the girls whose stories were shared here. Am curious to know if there were stories from women aged 25 and above. I am 50 and have been a witness to penises being flashed since the age of 10-11. But i have not been harassed this way after 25 or so. The reason i am asking this is to see if the perpetrators deliberately choose a certain age group to flash at. They know the girls would be too shocked or horrified or disgusted to react.
Even I noticed the pattern, which is why I framed it as ages towards the end. So there is definitely some targeting happening towards girls and young women who would be too shocked to react, and too embarrassed to call the police, bystanders, etc. But yes, there were definitely older women in the group too. As old as the oldest woman I interviewed.
When a friend of mine told me that a man standing on the pavement next to a car she was sitting in began to mastrubate while looking at her, i couldn't believe it. To me it didn't make sense. But she isn't one to lie or make up stories, so I believed her with some reservation though.
Over the years, I've gotten wiser and learned that men are capable of the most bizarre things when it comes to women and sexuality. We seem to lose all sense of decency, self control, and humanity at the mere sight of skin.
I wonder whether instead of expensive weapons, we should just have women stand at the battlefield and flash their bare arms or legs at the opposing army (made up of men, of course). We could just pick them of with their pants down. Goes without saying, it holds true for our side too, so let's just have an army of women. Super cool.
I apologise to every woman who has had to undergo this gross experience to get a seat in this flight. It's not you, it's us.
Thank you Vinay. I have lived with and talked about this stuff for decades now, yet it makes me feel a little bit seen and a little bit healed every time I hear from a man like you in an ocean of people screaming #notallmen at women who dare to speak up ❤️
"managing to offend 100% of people who suffer from brains" loved your humor throughout. It made it easier to read such difficult stories. Thank you
Thank you - it is why I do what I do <3
I’m a middle class American white woman. As a teen, men exposed themselves to me, rubbed their dicks on me, grabbed my hand and put it on their erect dicks. I worked in a kitchen. As a full grown woman attorney I had to listen to a federal judge tell me how he liked to look at my legs, and that he bet my boobs were “classic”. I cannot remember a single year of my life, until post menopause, that a man has NOT sexually harassed me, shown me or talked about his dick. And people say “not all men”. How can we tell?
To such people, I say, "Yes all women!"
Sounds really disgusting. Sorry you all have had to go through that. Why don’t the other men intervene? Girls should not be expected to interact with potential rapists, but decent men have the ability and duty to police the behavior of men who behave improperly in public. Are there no dads, husbands, gentlemen in India?
Most women and girls in such situations are too shocked and traumatized to speak up about what is happening. There is also a lot of shame associated because victim blaming is not India's copyright. Yes, there are decent men around and the women who do raise an alarm might often find the support of one. But the decency of men needs to kick in BEFORE such incidents happen - after is a band-aid. :(
I taught my daughters to publicly shame these kinds of "men." Point at their parts, laugh, and wave a pinky or make the 🤏 sign.
As well deserved as that might be, the risk of violence is very real when provoking, especially if the girl is younger.
I lived in NYC for a time. I noticed that I could, as a man, walk the streets and rarely get harassed. Occasionally by hustlers selling stuff. But young women were constantly harassed. I noticed the same thing traveling in Rome and Naples. It’s like men and women live in different worlds, experiencing an entirely different reality. Sadly, many men are raised by abusive fathers who have little real respect for their sons. Who in turn have little respect for themselves. They end up dumping their insecurities on innocents. Then there’s the social reinforcement of these behaviors…
So well put. A few Americans in the comments section are talking about India as an unsafe country and how we need guns to prevent this. I say we need better parenting of sons to prevent this.
Not at all glad that I share this trauma with all these women. No one can even begin to imagine the impact it creates. And most of them have to go through this in their childhood/teenage when they don’t even know anything about it.
I remember not having words to tell anyone what the man was doing.
Unfortunately, some young boys also had to face this from older men. It is a disease which doesn’t care about gender. Pathetic and disgusting!
A few months ago, I was in a lift filled with men (this wasnt even in India). I was terrified! And just yesterday I was sitting in the corner seat of a bus in the last row, the rest of the seats were filled by men. Again, I was terrified and all my senses were on high alert.. The way we all have silently had to suffer through this while growing up has made us feel that a space filled with men is something that triggers anxiety in a girl in India.
So true, so real!
Shame on us, indeed. Thanks for writing this, it couldn’t have been easy.
Thank you Karthik, it really wasn't.
I’m shocked. Are there no laws to stop this madness? What the hell is going on? The innocence ruined and the trauma of this is tragic!
Laws exist but their implementation is complex because it places an insane burden on the victim. She needs to catch the man in the act, speak up, capture proof, drag him to authorities, file a complaint, and then appear in court to relive the experience for God-know-how-many years. It is just not a solution.
I have come across a urinator plus masturbater once while in my undergrad. Never mentioned it to my hostel warden even though she was standing by the gate when we arrived because she was another pea brained slimy character, the same window averse one like the one you mentioned. Victim shaming and blaming was her thing. She was a total sadist and I didn't want to give her the pleasure of a narration.
Another similar incident in my PG, inside the hospital when a front desk staff came stood in front of me at eye level (I was seated) and started rubbing himself vigorously. He did it to rile me up and the complaint that followed ended up riling some other people up. I could have filed a police complaint, but I didn't want the same to deprive someone of his bread and butter, though I guess he could have done without butter for sometime.
Now, I make it a point to name and shame the perpetrator.
Another time I posted the fellows name on the workplace whatsapp group along with what he did.
Next time take a photograph and post it online. I know life will deal with some of them, I just take the satisfaction in knowing that.
Thank you for doing what you do. Thank you for writing this piece.
Too many men have not evolved past the cave man days. Too many women make excuses for their barbaric vile behavior. Just imagine this for one minute...how would a females life be without the sexual & physical abuse threats of these beasts on a daily basis? Let me answer that for you...Amazing, calm, no sexual abuse, no physical abuse, no cat calls, no groping, no making us feel uncomfortable & like we are being stalked because we are trying to have coffee or dine alone. Too many Neanderthals everywhere.
So true. "how would a woman's life be without the sexual & physical abuse threats of these beasts on a daily basis?" Like an average man's life :)
when an idiot disrespects himself, his mother and his father, the lady concerned, and society at large, simply point at his tiny winky, roar with laughter and shout that it looks like an ugly and small bulb from the movie Alien.
then, challenge him to paint the wall with the words “I was here”.
always bring a thick penknife for self defense and travel in a group. arm oneself with a smartphone that can stream funny shit like this live.