Being forced to see a man masturbating is an essential part of growing up as a girl in India. Shame on us.
Being forced to see a man masturbating is an essential part of growing up as a girl in India. Shame on us.
Issue #93: This edition received a record-breaking number of stories from women.
Trigger warning: Sexual harrassment
Hello ji,
I imagine you are familiar by now with the new brand ambassador of Indian air travel - a man lovingly christened by India’s super-entertaining media as The Urinator.
An unintentionally cool sounding name, I thought… a lot like the Terminator… Until we all saw what happened to his job, eh?
For anyone who has been living under a rock (or nursing an infant which leaves you marginally more clued out), here is the summary:
In the business class of an Air India flight, a man got drunk - so drunk that he mistook a 70-year-old co-passenger as the toilet and allegedly urinated on her.
(If you thought this was shocking, don’t forget to go online later and read about how Air India went on to inflict further trauma on the victim.)
Small mercy that, with the sheer bizarreness of this incident, it caught media attention and is at least being argued in court right now.
At the time of writing of this piece, the Urinator has claimed that 80% of kathak dancers (including the victim) suffer from incontinence, managing to offend 100% of people who suffer from brains.
I have tried to summarize this incident as dispassionately as possible, but please don’t let me fool you. I am beyond pissed off, no pun intended.
I am angry at the incident itself. I am angry at Air India. I am angry at the audacity of the accused’s legal team.
But most of all, I am angry that this incident is not even as bizarre as it might seem to some of you.
And by ‘some of you’, I mean men - because every woman already knows what I am talking about.
Welcome to our flight - The Life of an Indian Woman 101.
If the name of our flight sounds like a mouthful, well, so is the kadwa ghoont (bitter gulp) women have to swallow while sharing public spaces with men.
On today’s flight, we will journey across some experiences Indian women have had with Indian men in public spaces - in air, on trains, in buses, in autos, on the street, in the park, and even from inside their homes because windows are evil (you’ll see what I mean).
The heights we fly at today will be dizzying for some of you.
This flight has seat belts only on selected seats because safety is not a privilege everyone gets to enjoy.
If your oxygen levels drop and you have trouble breathing while reading this piece, you can just learn to live with that discomfort.
The way all women have to.
“My first bus ride became my last”
Simran, 19, was travelling from the New Delhi railway station to a relative's house in the city.
“It was my first solo bus travel ever. I was nervous because I came from a small town and Delhi was an unfamiliar, big city. When I boarded the bus, a man - around 40-something - started staring at me and motioning down with his eyes. Before I could gather my wits, I saw that his penis was in his hands and he was masturbating while looking at me.”
Simran immediately looked away and tried to find a seat next to a woman.
“I felt dirty, as if I had done something wrong. I was too scared to even look at anyone else. When I failed to find a single seat that would make me feel safe, I went and stood behind the driver’s seat. This man was masturbating in full public eye and nobody else on the bus was even acknowledging it. I had tears streaming down my face the whole ride through.”
“I became scared of buses and could not bring myself to board another bus for at least ten years after this. My first bus ride became my last.”
“Respect your elders”
Sonali, 17, was traveling on a bus with another such co-passenger. This one was a 70-year-old man.
“I was standing in the crowded bus and he groped me from behind. I was dumbstruck, and moved away from him. After a few moments, I realized that he had his penis out and was sticking it into my back.
I just lost it in fear and anger. I don’t know how but my instinct was to turn around and slap him right in his face.”
Sonali says that what happened next was even more unimaginable.
“I cannot describe the drama that followed the slap. He didn’t even deny what he had done. Instead, he started shouting at me and had the audacity to say that I had been leading him on. He even said that I deserved to be flogged publicly because I didn't know how to ‘respect elders’.
This creep - who was publicly masturbating against a teenager - expected her to ‘respect’ him!
All the men on the bus just silently watched the tamasha unfold. Thankfully, some women came to my rescue, and gave him an earful. He deboarded the bus after that. No one on the bus asked me how I was coping, or guide me to call the police. In fact, some of them suggested that I was overreacting because ‘bus mein toh galti se jhatke lag hi jaate hai’ (it is normal for some jostling to happen in a moving bus).”
Like Simran, Sonali was too traumatised by this incident to take a bus several years after this. Gentle reminder that this is not a privilege available to most women and girls in this country.
Sonali says that she only got the courage to board a bus years later, once she had managed to convince herself that what happened was “not my fault”.
Ban windows.
Like thousands of other engineering and medical college aspirants, Asma spent a year after school studying at Kota, where she stayed in a girls hostel.
“One day, I was hanging out with a friend in her room. We were sitting near her window, which faced the road in front of the hostel. While talking, we happened to look out the window and spotted a man standing across the road. He was masturbating while looking at us.
Disgusted, we immediately shut the window.
Later, we told the hostel warden about the incident. She said, “Don’t sit near the window. Men on the street can see you, and a lot of men do things like this. Aap yahaan padhaai karne aaye ho, iss sab pe dhyaan mat do. (You have come here to study, don’t focus on such things.)”
Given that the problem in this situation was clearly the window and the girls sitting at it, Asma says it was puzzling that it kept happening even without a window in sight.
“Over my year in Kota, I was flashed at or masturbated in front of by men several times. Outside my hostel. Outside my coaching class. Or just walking on the street. Everytime girls reported such incidents, we were told to ‘get back to the hostel early and not loiter around’.
As if our loitering was magically unzipping the helpless men’s pants.”
“He met my eyes and SMILED”
Swati, 24, was walking down the street one day and saw a man behind a parked car.
“As I got nearer, I realized that he was masturbating while looking in the direction of a school building, presumably at some girls. By the time I understood, he saw me, turned around and SMILED.
My kneejerk reaction was to run across the street and walk away as fast as I could. It still disturbs me that he felt free to do this in public with no fear of consequence.”
A few weeks later, Swati saw this tweet by popular Marathi actor, Sumeet Raghvan, and the area and description matched the man she had seen:
“It was in the same locality that I had seen the man in. I later saw the news that he was nabbed by the police. I felt relieved to see it, but also guilty that I had not done more.”
“Angry at myself”
Swati’s misplaced disappointment at herself for not doing more is a common pattern among women who have had these traumatic experiences. It is a marker of how low our expectations from men are, and how insane our expectations from ourselves as women.
A man sexually harrassing a woman is an accepted part of women’s reality to the extent that - even years and decades later - victims blame themselves for not reacting to meet some higher standard of righteousness in their reactions.
Several women I interviewed echoed this sentiment of regret and disappointment with themselves, none moreso than Mamta.
“I was on vacation in Mangalore, walking along the beach at 7am. Suddenly I heard a whistle from some nearby bushes. When I looked in the direction of the sound, I saw a man flashing his penis, masturbating while signalling towards me. The nearest people on the beach were about 1km away, so I hung my head down and walked away as fast as I could.
I felt really angry at myself for not beating up this guy, or calling for help, or clicking his picture. I couldn't stop thinking about it for the rest of the vacation. My walks on the beach weren’t relaxing anymore. I kept looking over at the bushes in fear.”
Mamta could not get the incident out of her mind even after coming back from vacation.
“I stayed angry at myself even after I came back home.
I thought, ‘I am such a brave girl - if not I, who else would help nab this man?’
I wasn’t at peace with myself. I didn’t want to tell family members because they would get worried and try to curtail my freedom even more.
I finally confided in a girlfriend. She told me that I did the right thing by prioritizing my own safety in an unknown location than chasing after some random idiot. Since he was a local, he might have attacked me or even called over friends to molest me.
I finally felt lighter after hearing my friend say that taking care of myself does not make me a coward.”
“Bura na maano Holi hai”
Rekha studied at Delhi University while staying with her classmates at a PG hostel for young women.
“In the week leading up to Holi, simply walking down the streets outside the PG would become a nightmare with men harassing women in the name of ‘bura na maano Holi hai’ (don’t mind, it is Holi). One such day, a friend of ours was coming back from college on a cycle rickshaw when some teenaged boys hurled water balloons at her.
Once she reached her room, she realised that it wasn’t water in the balloons. It was a white sticky fluid. At first, she didn’t understand what it was. It was only when some seniors told us what to expect on Holi that she realized what had happened. They told us that teenaged boys in the neighbourhood often masturbate and fill balloons with semen and throw these balloons at women on the street.”
Naturally, the girls were horrified and enraged.
“There was even that one friend who genuinely did not know what masturbation was. It was so overwhelming for all of us young girls back then. No one even told us that this was a category above ‘ladkon ki badmaashi’ (boys’ mischief). No one called it what it was - sexual harassment.
Even though we did not have the vocabulary for it at the time, this was something that none of us ever forgot. So you can imagine the impact at the subconscious level on us young girls who were living away from home for the first time in their lives.”
15
Meera was 15-years-old when she was driving her moped back home from a tution class.
“I was wearing a helmet and a scarf. A man was driving beside me on a bike and mouthing something. I thought maybe there was something wrong with my bike, so I lifted my helmet to hear him properly. As soon as I did this, he pulled out his penis and started masturbating. I tried to speed up to get away but he wouldn’t stop following me. I was scared to go home because then he would know where I lived. Finally, I had to stop in front of a police station to lose him.
After this incident, I started talking a different route to and fro my class. It would take me 30 mins more to reach home everyday but I was too petrified to drive down that road again.”
This and other such incidents have left an indelible mark on Meera’s perception of men in general.
“I am constantly scared of men on the street - even those genuinely trying to help me. I just don't like interacting with any man in a public place anymore.
After several such incidents, my mind and body have internalized that the streets are just not safe in general. Men are not safe in general. Even when I meet actually good men, it is very hard for me to trust their character now.”
12 and 14
Aashvi, 14, and her family were travelling to Jammu (Vaishnodevi) by train.
“After the elders went to sleep, my 12-years-old cousin sister and I were sitting and chatting on the side upper berth in our third AC compartment.
A man stood outside the washroom for a long time and kept staring at us. We felt awkward but we didn’t know how to respond.
After a while - maybe after making sure that no adults were awake around us - he started masturbating while looking at us. We were too young to understand what was happening. We just turned our heads away in fear and didn’t mention it to anyone later.”
13
13 years old Neha used to go to school with a friend in an auto rickshaw.
“Some days, a man would stand across the road and stare at me in a weird way while I waited for my friend. One day, the man flashed his penis at me.
Of course, I had not seen anything like that by then. I was in shock. I ran inside the building and waited for my friend there. I couldn't even tell her what happened. After that, every morning before school, I used to look out for him, wondering if he would leap up at me from somewhere.”
11
11-years-old Shruthi was going to their family doctor’s clinic with her sister.
“Outside the clinic, there was a man sitting by the street in a lungi. He was already touching his privates when we walked by. When he saw us, he lifted his lungi all the way up and continued masturbating in our direction.
All of this happened within seconds. I was traumatised, I had no clue what hit me. After that, I refused to see our doctor for no fault of his. It has been almost three decades now. To this day, when I go back to visit my parents, I am on high alert if I am walking by that stretch - as if that perv from decades ago would still be around.”
10
Ten-years-old Arya used to go to school in an auto rickshaw.
“One day, our regular auto driver was on leave, and sent a replacement. I was the last one to be dropped off that day. I got down from the auto and walked ahead to hand him the fare.
I saw him kneading something fleshy in his hand. He asked me to come closer to see it. I didn’t understand what this was so I went closer. Then I realised it was a body part of his (I had no idea what a penis was or even existed by then).
I screamed loudly as I ran home, and I remember he was laughing as I ran away.”
Arya still remembers the incident clearly in her mind, and says it has impacted every relationship she has had with a man.
“To this day, I am really really scared when I see a penis (even consensually) for the first time. My body has a visceral reaction regardless of consent. It sucks. I want to be sex-positive but how can I with this trauma still haunting me?”
8 and 11
8-years-old Nisha grew up in a residential colony in Chandigarh.
“There was a big market 10 mins from my home, which had the only Archies shop I knew of. On Father's Day, I wanted to buy a card for my dad. My mother asked our domestic help’s daughter, Shanta, to take me. Shanta was 11.
On our way there, I saw a man standing on the opposite side of the road staring at me. I stopped walking.
Shanta understood what was happening and asked me to look away. I didn't get it. My gaze traveled down. He was holding his dick towards me and rubbing it really hard. Shanta asked me to look away and run. I was very confused but I ran away with Shanta.”
When they reached safety, Shanta asked Nisha if she was okay.
“Shanta said to me, ‘Men often do such things. You should just run away when this happens’.
I asked, ‘But what exactly was he doing?’
She just laughed and said that I was such a baby. (Mind you, she was 11 herself.)
I felt really embarrassed. I also felt disgusted although I didn't understand why.
I was worried that mom will stop letting me go to the market, so I made Shanta swear that she won't tell anyone. She laughed again and said that she anyway never told anyone when men did that. I now wonder how frequently she witnessed these things to have accepted them as normal.”
Writing this piece has been shocking, even for me
When I started writing this piece, I had a few stories from a few friends who shared my rage at the Urinator.
I thought I needed one or two more stories to complete the piece, so two days ago, I put out a tweet and an insta story asking women if they had faced instances like this.
Never before have I had such a flood of stories pouring in for an edition of this newsletter - and that too in a matter of 24 hours.
I actually had to go back and delete the tweet just so that I could stem the flow of stories coming in and finish the piece. But the stories are still pouring in, even as I hit ‘publish’ on this - each worse than the last.
I should mention here that we haven’t even scratched the surface of what happens when women try to fight back, hit back, call out the man, or - God forbid - pursue legal action against the perpetrator in such cases. Maybe that is a sordid saga for another edition.
I can’t possibly use each story because it would literally not fit in your inbox limit. But I also want to honour every woman who spoke up and shared her story with me. So here are some more excerpts, just to give you an idea of how much more pain is lying in my inbox right now:
“I was on a business class flight few weeks back. I saw a man masturbating under a blanket a few rows in front of me.”
“Walking through an underbridge outside Churchgate station, Mumbai, I would often see a man masturbating under an open umbrella there, only to lift it and randomly flash young women walking back from college.”
“He flashed my friend and I when we were stepping out of a shopping complex after getting some classnotes photocopied.”
“My friend and I were waiting at a bus stop when a man flashed us while driving by on a bike.”
“Delhi. In an auto, a group of us 16 year olds. Auto stops at intersection. Man urinating at wall turns around, penis out, smiles, strokes it. Ruins our first trip out of school.”
“A man was sitting in a parked car and masturbating outside our college while staring at groups of girls walking in and out of the college gate.”
“A pedestrian walking behind us on our way to school flashed us. We were really scared because he was walking so close behind us.”
“If you were a girl student in the 2000s in Delhi University and used public transport, you would know that we called our bus experiences ‘jung ladd kar aana’ (coming back from the battlefield). Sadly, getting flashed by men on DTC buses was almost an everyday experience.”
And that, ladies and gentlemen, brings this flight to its pre-destined crash landing.
Thank you for flying with us.
We hope to see you again, never - certainly not as much of our gentlemen travelers as we have been forced to see so far.
But sadly, we know we will.
We all know there is only one solution to this problem.
Say it with me: BAN WINDOWS.
Mahima
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Unfortunately atleast 75-80% have faced such kind of harassment , as you said this is just tip of iceberg. I often feel we should carry a butcher knife and when we see such things happening, we should just walk across and cut them off. Na rahega baas na bajegi basuri
Reading this was painful. Not surprising, but still painful. I’ve had my share as an Indian woman of being flashed, seeing men masturbate and it is just unfortunate how it is framed. As someone you have to avoid as women. As something you attract. As something you should be “careful” about.
Not as something you should be angry about having to deal with. Not as a public menace, a crime, a national shame. Not as something men and boys should be hugely embarrassed about, collectively in the society the occupy.