This piece is amazing. Although, I also went through this phase where I ended up having no friends after my daughter was born. I managed to find a few, but sometimes, my husband would say when I go out with my friends, "What will I do at home? Chuck this plan and let's go out." Sometimes I am shamed for wanting to have a life outside of marriage and kid, wanting to travel alone on a work trip. I still do what I want to, but it seems like we are made to feel lucky to have such a husband and in-laws in India. These are things which should be bare minimum, by the way.
This one hit me straight and can relate to it very much, more so because I just got back from a 4 day bicycling trip (mostly guys, but there was 2 girls too!) while my wife stayed at home to take of care of the kids (& my mother). She is very supportive of my passion for cycling, and I do encourage (sometime push her too) to take a trip or two with her friends or cousins but she rarely does. I will have try harder to make that happen. Thanks for writing this!
I agree, men can just live their lives and maintain their friendships, while women have to be the bahu, and mother first, and then a person. It's sad to see women have to live like single mothers while having a husband and in-laws... I really hope I won't have to go through that experience.
Though, I will say, I think male friendships are easier to maintain for the sole reason that they're just For Fun. I think that women are far more involved in their friendships, we hold each other accountable a lot and it's important enough to us that we risk confrontations and negative feelings. Men (in my experience) don't do this, if their friend does/says something shitty, they "live and let live" and maybe just tolerate it. Meanwhile they mascerade this tolerance as "brotherhood" and say that women just don't form the same deep bonds as them.
I’m so glad to have come across Womanizing today. It’s one of the best representations of Indian women I’ve found on Substack. Kudos to you for sharing stories that literally made me want to cry at the state of our mothers and female relatives. I don’t want this to be my fate some day. Again, congrats for creating this space for us, and I will be back for more.
I have seen this happen with my mom throughout her marriage. I encouraged her a lot - to get in touch with her friends again and hang out with them more often and not worry about the household but for some reason that didn't happen much. I wonder what stops her and multiple other women in your story to take that step to preserve friendships even though they don't find encouraging in laws? Why care about the perspectives of in laws so much that it sucks life out of you? (genuinely curious here)
I don't think any of us can even begin to understand what it is like to grow up as a young Indian girl in the 50s and 60s, let alone the journeys our mothers have taken since then. But I feel more hopeful for the future when I see young men of today take an interest in the lives of women around them. Bodes well for their wives and daughters ❤️
The worst thing is that most of the men of today's generation have started idealizing our mothers' generation as "last generation of innocent mothers/women", which is nothing but an attack to the today's vocal women who have stopped accepting patriarchal norms under the garb of culture.
Men don't even realise that it was not innocence but the 'mental slavery' through which women were forcefully made to go through. For the men who never had to go through the pain of patrilocality, it's so convenient to say trash like this.
Equating patriarchal slavery to innocence is a juvenile joke in itself. That's why, it's better to do away forceful migration of women in the name of culture.
Imagine if a man parts away from his family, then it's been said "ghar toot gya". But, when a woman does that, then "it's culture/tradition". Sheer hypocrisy !
No acknowledgement is given to the emotional trauma through which women have to go through during and after her forceful migration. It's really sad.
Let's stop every trauma that our "innocent" mothers had to go through, so that ours and next generations could really live instead of mere breathing.
Specifically, regarding your query- Woman is literally brainwashed to accept patriarchy since her childhood. Mental (and even physical at many places) support is not given to her even in today's time, imagine the mothers' era. Indirect verbal/non-verbal taunts and infinite expectations of upholding the great legacy of in-laws household becomes such a burden that it always feel guilty for the woman to even think of herself.
One more reason is "son metapreference". Due to this, there is huge expectations from son and his supposed wife right from his birth. Due to such social expectations, it seems unacceptable to hear NO for the mental slavery which is considered as normal.
That's why, "hamari beti gaiy (cow) hai" is still considered as a compliment, because the girls' parents are also having similar mentality:- zero/minimal expectations from daughter because "ye parayi hai, isko dusre ke ghar jana hai" and infinite expectations from son because "ye vansh ko aage badhayega, kuldeepak hai, arthi ko aag dega, swarg pahunchayega".
And, son's wife is by default considered as a 'free maid for lifetime' who should not have any connections with her own parents, family and friends because "ab sasural hi uska ghar hai, toh phir peeche jo log chhod aayi unki taraf dekhna ek achi bahu ki nishani nhi hoti. Unhi ka sochogi toh 'apna ghar' kaise sambhalogi ? Ladki ko shaadi ke baad apne sasural pe hi focus krna chahiye taaki 'ghar ka sukh aur shanti' bni rhe". Due to this mindset, crimes like female foeticide and dowry deaths also happen at great scale even today, as nobody wants liability in the form of daughter who will use her parents' resources and then go to someone else's place when it comes to serving the parents in their old-age. It's also kind of "cost-benefit analysis" by parents. Hence, patrilocality must be stopped.
So, all in all, it's patriarchal conspiracy where no institution (family / religion) is 'dhoodh ka dhula'. Sabke haath raange hain kyuki sabki soch polluted aur corrupted hai. So, please try to understand this issue deeply, especially regarding "patriarchal bargaining". You will surely get more insights on it. All the best ! #HeForShe 💪✨
i've learned the glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.
I always knew that this so-called overhyped "Bro Code" or "male friendships" is a sham. It's nothing but the patriarchal benefits to men at the cost of women's life. Stop "PATRILOCALITY" and then see how this Bro-bond fades away. Women friendships could be even more empowering only if this patrilocality and forced migration (both physically and mentally) of women stops. Dear women, never compromise on your self-respect and best friends. "Aurat hi aurat ki dushman hoti hai" to "aurat hi aurat ki supporter hoti hai"- we have to make this true by shunning patriarchal bargaining. All the best ! 👍#SheForShe #SisBond
Experienced these things a lot, but never think of this collectively. Lost many friends after marriage. But now managed to reconnect with some of them.
Another piece that we can all relate to. In my case I am the one who is single with my friends getting married one by one. What is even sadder is that I never had a big friend circle and had very few friends and now even those are lost to marriage and their partners/children!
Sheesh! While all of this is 100 per cent true, many women work hard to preserve friendships in whatever way they can, through thick and thin, because female friendships are so rewarding. I have been lucky to have retained intimacy with my girlfriends through huge life events like marriage, children and more. It's meant work, many honest conversations, and occasional breakups and makeups among us. But I would not have had it any other way!
This is so good its bad!!! Scarily true and I have been at the receiving end of being ghosted by a friend who is probably caught up in life, kid, hubby, moving countries and jobs. But being in the same boat (mom, wife, working professional), I cannot fathom how she cant make time even for yearly greetings. Perhaps, woman have deeper relationships so the burden of keeping it up can be intense and they prefer to disconnect to balance which is a shame.
This piece is amazing. Although, I also went through this phase where I ended up having no friends after my daughter was born. I managed to find a few, but sometimes, my husband would say when I go out with my friends, "What will I do at home? Chuck this plan and let's go out." Sometimes I am shamed for wanting to have a life outside of marriage and kid, wanting to travel alone on a work trip. I still do what I want to, but it seems like we are made to feel lucky to have such a husband and in-laws in India. These are things which should be bare minimum, by the way.
Stop feeling guilty and start living fully. Please listen to Acharya Prashant.
https://youtube.com/shorts/APER6cjWjuw?si=gh4fUqmXioHtK5j0
This one hit me straight and can relate to it very much, more so because I just got back from a 4 day bicycling trip (mostly guys, but there was 2 girls too!) while my wife stayed at home to take of care of the kids (& my mother). She is very supportive of my passion for cycling, and I do encourage (sometime push her too) to take a trip or two with her friends or cousins but she rarely does. I will have try harder to make that happen. Thanks for writing this!
I agree, men can just live their lives and maintain their friendships, while women have to be the bahu, and mother first, and then a person. It's sad to see women have to live like single mothers while having a husband and in-laws... I really hope I won't have to go through that experience.
Though, I will say, I think male friendships are easier to maintain for the sole reason that they're just For Fun. I think that women are far more involved in their friendships, we hold each other accountable a lot and it's important enough to us that we risk confrontations and negative feelings. Men (in my experience) don't do this, if their friend does/says something shitty, they "live and let live" and maybe just tolerate it. Meanwhile they mascerade this tolerance as "brotherhood" and say that women just don't form the same deep bonds as them.
As soon as I saw the email notification my heart skipped a beat! Please continue writing and empowering women by sharing their stories
I’m so glad to have come across Womanizing today. It’s one of the best representations of Indian women I’ve found on Substack. Kudos to you for sharing stories that literally made me want to cry at the state of our mothers and female relatives. I don’t want this to be my fate some day. Again, congrats for creating this space for us, and I will be back for more.
Thank you Sim, for reading and for sharing this kind comment ❤️
Also, Womaning* (Womanizing is a very different word, and one I don't want to see associated with this newsletter) 😅
Hey Mahima, so sorry for that😅 must be the autocorrect… it gets me at the worst times.
I have seen this happen with my mom throughout her marriage. I encouraged her a lot - to get in touch with her friends again and hang out with them more often and not worry about the household but for some reason that didn't happen much. I wonder what stops her and multiple other women in your story to take that step to preserve friendships even though they don't find encouraging in laws? Why care about the perspectives of in laws so much that it sucks life out of you? (genuinely curious here)
I don't think any of us can even begin to understand what it is like to grow up as a young Indian girl in the 50s and 60s, let alone the journeys our mothers have taken since then. But I feel more hopeful for the future when I see young men of today take an interest in the lives of women around them. Bodes well for their wives and daughters ❤️
The worst thing is that most of the men of today's generation have started idealizing our mothers' generation as "last generation of innocent mothers/women", which is nothing but an attack to the today's vocal women who have stopped accepting patriarchal norms under the garb of culture.
Men don't even realise that it was not innocence but the 'mental slavery' through which women were forcefully made to go through. For the men who never had to go through the pain of patrilocality, it's so convenient to say trash like this.
Equating patriarchal slavery to innocence is a juvenile joke in itself. That's why, it's better to do away forceful migration of women in the name of culture.
Imagine if a man parts away from his family, then it's been said "ghar toot gya". But, when a woman does that, then "it's culture/tradition". Sheer hypocrisy !
No acknowledgement is given to the emotional trauma through which women have to go through during and after her forceful migration. It's really sad.
Let's stop every trauma that our "innocent" mothers had to go through, so that ours and next generations could really live instead of mere breathing.
Specifically, regarding your query- Woman is literally brainwashed to accept patriarchy since her childhood. Mental (and even physical at many places) support is not given to her even in today's time, imagine the mothers' era. Indirect verbal/non-verbal taunts and infinite expectations of upholding the great legacy of in-laws household becomes such a burden that it always feel guilty for the woman to even think of herself.
One more reason is "son metapreference". Due to this, there is huge expectations from son and his supposed wife right from his birth. Due to such social expectations, it seems unacceptable to hear NO for the mental slavery which is considered as normal.
That's why, "hamari beti gaiy (cow) hai" is still considered as a compliment, because the girls' parents are also having similar mentality:- zero/minimal expectations from daughter because "ye parayi hai, isko dusre ke ghar jana hai" and infinite expectations from son because "ye vansh ko aage badhayega, kuldeepak hai, arthi ko aag dega, swarg pahunchayega".
And, son's wife is by default considered as a 'free maid for lifetime' who should not have any connections with her own parents, family and friends because "ab sasural hi uska ghar hai, toh phir peeche jo log chhod aayi unki taraf dekhna ek achi bahu ki nishani nhi hoti. Unhi ka sochogi toh 'apna ghar' kaise sambhalogi ? Ladki ko shaadi ke baad apne sasural pe hi focus krna chahiye taaki 'ghar ka sukh aur shanti' bni rhe". Due to this mindset, crimes like female foeticide and dowry deaths also happen at great scale even today, as nobody wants liability in the form of daughter who will use her parents' resources and then go to someone else's place when it comes to serving the parents in their old-age. It's also kind of "cost-benefit analysis" by parents. Hence, patrilocality must be stopped.
So, all in all, it's patriarchal conspiracy where no institution (family / religion) is 'dhoodh ka dhula'. Sabke haath raange hain kyuki sabki soch polluted aur corrupted hai. So, please try to understand this issue deeply, especially regarding "patriarchal bargaining". You will surely get more insights on it. All the best ! #HeForShe 💪✨
i've learned the glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.
really interesting piece Mahima.
This email notification is the best thing to have happened this Monday! 🙌🏽
Glad to see you are still writing womening! Great piece!
I always knew that this so-called overhyped "Bro Code" or "male friendships" is a sham. It's nothing but the patriarchal benefits to men at the cost of women's life. Stop "PATRILOCALITY" and then see how this Bro-bond fades away. Women friendships could be even more empowering only if this patrilocality and forced migration (both physically and mentally) of women stops. Dear women, never compromise on your self-respect and best friends. "Aurat hi aurat ki dushman hoti hai" to "aurat hi aurat ki supporter hoti hai"- we have to make this true by shunning patriarchal bargaining. All the best ! 👍#SheForShe #SisBond
TIL a new word - patrilocality - and I dont even need to look it up to know exactly what it means. I love it! Thank you, Priyanka! ❤️
You literally wrote my heart. ❤❤
Experienced these things a lot, but never think of this collectively. Lost many friends after marriage. But now managed to reconnect with some of them.
Another piece that we can all relate to. In my case I am the one who is single with my friends getting married one by one. What is even sadder is that I never had a big friend circle and had very few friends and now even those are lost to marriage and their partners/children!
Sheesh! While all of this is 100 per cent true, many women work hard to preserve friendships in whatever way they can, through thick and thin, because female friendships are so rewarding. I have been lucky to have retained intimacy with my girlfriends through huge life events like marriage, children and more. It's meant work, many honest conversations, and occasional breakups and makeups among us. But I would not have had it any other way!
This is so good its bad!!! Scarily true and I have been at the receiving end of being ghosted by a friend who is probably caught up in life, kid, hubby, moving countries and jobs. But being in the same boat (mom, wife, working professional), I cannot fathom how she cant make time even for yearly greetings. Perhaps, woman have deeper relationships so the burden of keeping it up can be intense and they prefer to disconnect to balance which is a shame.
https://youtu.be/jBWriyVyqCM?si=3qlM6V6Cu9iYyMav
Please listen to this.