This piece is amazing. Although, I also went through this phase where I ended up having no friends after my daughter was born. I managed to find a few, but sometimes, my husband would say when I go out with my friends, "What will I do at home? Chuck this plan and let's go out." Sometimes I am shamed for wanting to have a life outside of marriage and kid, wanting to travel alone on a work trip. I still do what I want to, but it seems like we are made to feel lucky to have such a husband and in-laws in India. These are things which should be bare minimum, by the way.
This one hit me straight and can relate to it very much, more so because I just got back from a 4 day bicycling trip (mostly guys, but there was 2 girls too!) while my wife stayed at home to take of care of the kids (& my mother). She is very supportive of my passion for cycling, and I do encourage (sometime push her too) to take a trip or two with her friends or cousins but she rarely does. I will have try harder to make that happen. Thanks for writing this!
Experienced these things a lot, but never think of this collectively. Lost many friends after marriage. But now managed to reconnect with some of them.
Another piece that we can all relate to. In my case I am the one who is single with my friends getting married one by one. What is even sadder is that I never had a big friend circle and had very few friends and now even those are lost to marriage and their partners/children!
i've learned the glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.
I agree, men can just live their lives and maintain their friendships, while women have to be the bahu, and mother first, and then a person. It's sad to see women have to live like single mothers while having a husband and in-laws... I really hope I won't have to go through that experience.
Though, I will say, I think male friendships are easier to maintain for the sole reason that they're just For Fun. I think that women are far more involved in their friendships, we hold each other accountable a lot and it's important enough to us that we risk confrontations and negative feelings. Men (in my experience) don't do this, if their friend does/says something shitty, they "live and let live" and maybe just tolerate it. Meanwhile they mascerade this tolerance as "brotherhood" and say that women just don't form the same deep bonds as them.
Sheesh! While all of this is 100 per cent true, many women work hard to preserve friendships in whatever way they can, through thick and thin, because female friendships are so rewarding. I have been lucky to have retained intimacy with my girlfriends through huge life events like marriage, children and more. It's meant work, many honest conversations, and occasional breakups and makeups among us. But I would not have had it any other way!
This is so good its bad!!! Scarily true and I have been at the receiving end of being ghosted by a friend who is probably caught up in life, kid, hubby, moving countries and jobs. But being in the same boat (mom, wife, working professional), I cannot fathom how she cant make time even for yearly greetings. Perhaps, woman have deeper relationships so the burden of keeping it up can be intense and they prefer to disconnect to balance which is a shame.
Hi, Mahima. Thank you for penning this! I think it's wonderful that you even tried to meet up with old friends in India. Perhaps don't give up; in future, try again? So many women do give up, simply because their lives move to a different phase. That saddens me.
Sounds a lot like some of your friends could use your presence in their own lives, even if such contact may be minimal, as their own circumstances may require much of their attention. (right now) What they're doing is not "ghosting." (whatever that even is!)
One day, their children will be older, and hopefully by then, familial demands on them will be more reasonable. Perhaps at that point you can catch up. Or not. Friends enter our lives, and some do leave.
"Can every woman reading this resolve to reconnect with one lost friend this year?"
This is most precious advice. People should not be cast aside merely because time has passed.
"Can every man reading this resolve to encourage the women in his life to do this? Start by taking on more care-giving responsibilities to create space on her plate for her friendships?"
I think many times men are selfish and take advantage of existing social dynamics. There's a good chance many don't even realize. Discussion is always a good place to begin!
"A Mumbai friend canceled because she had to take her kid to a birthday party on the day we had decided to drive down to meet."
That was unfortunate, but it doesn't mean that the friendship ended. That was one day. Maybe her daughter had been looking forward to the party; the birthday girl might have even been her best friend.
"Another had houseguests over so she could not find time to step out all week."
She could have asked you over, however, some people are very particular about mixing the different people in their lives. Going out to dinner or to some social event with you and your husband and their guests could have worked. Still, we don't know their circumstances.
"Moms reading this already know what happens next - a cranky toddler who insisted I talk to him instead of my friend the whole time."
These things do happen! lol It's great that there is a "next time." lol
There is no mistaking that the family a woman marries into makes a LOT of difference in how her life is lived. This is especially so in traditional cultures where family comes first. Moving in with your husband's family, even within a giant mansion, is going to change you. The social pressure is strong.
"After this, I gave up on The Great Pune Friends Reunion of 2024 altogether."
Mahimaji, don't give up! There's always the next trip! Each of your friends are people with lives, just like you and your own loved ones. I know you all probably mean much to one another; please don't let time, distance, and silence pull everyone apart.
Men's friendships, to many woman upon closer examination, might seem more like acquaintanceships. Yes; men spend time together, but it's often talking about this topic or that, never really approaching anything really close to their hearts. Men network and often use friendships to help one another thrive, economically. Not always, of course. Sometimes they play sports. Watch sports. Drink and talk about work.
I don't think these require as much time and attention as women's friendships, and I'm not being misandrist.
This piece is amazing. Although, I also went through this phase where I ended up having no friends after my daughter was born. I managed to find a few, but sometimes, my husband would say when I go out with my friends, "What will I do at home? Chuck this plan and let's go out." Sometimes I am shamed for wanting to have a life outside of marriage and kid, wanting to travel alone on a work trip. I still do what I want to, but it seems like we are made to feel lucky to have such a husband and in-laws in India. These are things which should be bare minimum, by the way.
As soon as I saw the email notification my heart skipped a beat! Please continue writing and empowering women by sharing their stories
This one hit me straight and can relate to it very much, more so because I just got back from a 4 day bicycling trip (mostly guys, but there was 2 girls too!) while my wife stayed at home to take of care of the kids (& my mother). She is very supportive of my passion for cycling, and I do encourage (sometime push her too) to take a trip or two with her friends or cousins but she rarely does. I will have try harder to make that happen. Thanks for writing this!
This email notification is the best thing to have happened this Monday! 🙌🏽
Glad to see you are still writing womening! Great piece!
You literally wrote my heart. ❤❤
Experienced these things a lot, but never think of this collectively. Lost many friends after marriage. But now managed to reconnect with some of them.
Another piece that we can all relate to. In my case I am the one who is single with my friends getting married one by one. What is even sadder is that I never had a big friend circle and had very few friends and now even those are lost to marriage and their partners/children!
i've learned the glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, not the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when you discover that someone else believes in you and is willing to trust you with a friendship.
really interesting piece Mahima.
I agree, men can just live their lives and maintain their friendships, while women have to be the bahu, and mother first, and then a person. It's sad to see women have to live like single mothers while having a husband and in-laws... I really hope I won't have to go through that experience.
Though, I will say, I think male friendships are easier to maintain for the sole reason that they're just For Fun. I think that women are far more involved in their friendships, we hold each other accountable a lot and it's important enough to us that we risk confrontations and negative feelings. Men (in my experience) don't do this, if their friend does/says something shitty, they "live and let live" and maybe just tolerate it. Meanwhile they mascerade this tolerance as "brotherhood" and say that women just don't form the same deep bonds as them.
Sheesh! While all of this is 100 per cent true, many women work hard to preserve friendships in whatever way they can, through thick and thin, because female friendships are so rewarding. I have been lucky to have retained intimacy with my girlfriends through huge life events like marriage, children and more. It's meant work, many honest conversations, and occasional breakups and makeups among us. But I would not have had it any other way!
This is so good its bad!!! Scarily true and I have been at the receiving end of being ghosted by a friend who is probably caught up in life, kid, hubby, moving countries and jobs. But being in the same boat (mom, wife, working professional), I cannot fathom how she cant make time even for yearly greetings. Perhaps, woman have deeper relationships so the burden of keeping it up can be intense and they prefer to disconnect to balance which is a shame.
Hi, Mahima. Thank you for penning this! I think it's wonderful that you even tried to meet up with old friends in India. Perhaps don't give up; in future, try again? So many women do give up, simply because their lives move to a different phase. That saddens me.
Sounds a lot like some of your friends could use your presence in their own lives, even if such contact may be minimal, as their own circumstances may require much of their attention. (right now) What they're doing is not "ghosting." (whatever that even is!)
One day, their children will be older, and hopefully by then, familial demands on them will be more reasonable. Perhaps at that point you can catch up. Or not. Friends enter our lives, and some do leave.
"Can every woman reading this resolve to reconnect with one lost friend this year?"
This is most precious advice. People should not be cast aside merely because time has passed.
"Can every man reading this resolve to encourage the women in his life to do this? Start by taking on more care-giving responsibilities to create space on her plate for her friendships?"
I think many times men are selfish and take advantage of existing social dynamics. There's a good chance many don't even realize. Discussion is always a good place to begin!
"A Mumbai friend canceled because she had to take her kid to a birthday party on the day we had decided to drive down to meet."
That was unfortunate, but it doesn't mean that the friendship ended. That was one day. Maybe her daughter had been looking forward to the party; the birthday girl might have even been her best friend.
"Another had houseguests over so she could not find time to step out all week."
She could have asked you over, however, some people are very particular about mixing the different people in their lives. Going out to dinner or to some social event with you and your husband and their guests could have worked. Still, we don't know their circumstances.
"Moms reading this already know what happens next - a cranky toddler who insisted I talk to him instead of my friend the whole time."
These things do happen! lol It's great that there is a "next time." lol
There is no mistaking that the family a woman marries into makes a LOT of difference in how her life is lived. This is especially so in traditional cultures where family comes first. Moving in with your husband's family, even within a giant mansion, is going to change you. The social pressure is strong.
"After this, I gave up on The Great Pune Friends Reunion of 2024 altogether."
Mahimaji, don't give up! There's always the next trip! Each of your friends are people with lives, just like you and your own loved ones. I know you all probably mean much to one another; please don't let time, distance, and silence pull everyone apart.
Men's friendships, to many woman upon closer examination, might seem more like acquaintanceships. Yes; men spend time together, but it's often talking about this topic or that, never really approaching anything really close to their hearts. Men network and often use friendships to help one another thrive, economically. Not always, of course. Sometimes they play sports. Watch sports. Drink and talk about work.
I don't think these require as much time and attention as women's friendships, and I'm not being misandrist.
I apologize if this was too bold!