What to expect when you're least expecting it
Issue #90: Aspects of motherhood that nobody talks about
Hello ji,
A few weeks back - in the Children’s Day edition to be precise - I asked mothers reading this to share with me the parts of motherhood that they wish they had been warned about. I shared a link to an online survey and requested that you send me your responses by filling it in.
Thank you for the sheer number and depth of responses you sent over to me, moms! I will use today’s newsletter to share your stories and, hopefully, shed some light on the dark crevices of motherhood no one wants to talk to women about.
Before I get into the actual stories, here is an interesting pattern that emerged from your responses:
The categories of things we don’t talk about
We all seem to agree that, yes, there are parts of motherhood no one warns you about.
But, when I made categories for your responses in the survey questionnaire, I had not foreseen such a clear pattern of the kinds of things hidden from us to emerge:
It seems clear that the parts of motherhood we don’t talk about enough as a society fall mostly under three heads:
Emotional Challenges
Mental load / Mental Health Challenges
Physical Challenges
You would think that - with all the bookstores and publications and authors and websites dedicated to the cause - at least the physical challenges of motherhood would be well known to expecting parents by now.
You would be as sorely mistaken as a breastfeeding mother’s sore nipples.
Which, by the way, there is a special cream for, and it smells disgusting, and no prenatal classes or grandmothers or doctors tell you about it until the day you feel like you will die without it.
With that, let’s dive right in with some heavy hitters:
Rage and tears and guilt. SO much guilt.
“On some days my rage boils over so much, I feel like screaming my lungs out.”
“No one tells you that the mom becomes almost invisible after the baby comes. I had to remind my parents to ask about me and my health also when they only had eyes for the baby.”
“I had no idea that people can and do make the baby's development a competition. With total blame laid on the mom for unfavourable outcomes, while congratulations are given to dads / grandparents / genes / space aliens – anyone but the mom – for favourable outcomes.”
“Nobody warned me about how helpless I will feel in general. Mothers are expected to instinctively know what to do with their babies. There is also tons of advice - both wanted and unwanted coming our way. But nothing prepares you for how helpless you will feel when your baby is crying and you are staring at them and can do nothing about it. The noise would keep grating on my nerves and made me irritable with time. This is also something that no one warns you about - that a mother’s instinct could also be to leave the crying baby and go away somewhere for a moment of peace. This is something that is considered too cruel or shameful to say out loud, but it is a reality that new mothers bear silently all the time.”
“Nobody warns you about the feeling of never having done enough - no matter the stage or age of your child.”
“Dealing with your internalized patriarchy and the guilt that it gives birth to is something we don’t talk to new and expecting moms enough.”
“Nobody warns you how difficult it is to join work after maternity leave. I used to cry in the bathroom every hour in my first week because I was torn apart by the feeling of separation from my baby, and the guilt of leaving her alone suddenly after 6 months of being inseparable. I would think about her missing her mom, and – even if you have a great caregiving support system, which most women in India don’t get at home – that feeling can rip your heart out.”
The Mental Load is all mom’s
A reader shared this wonderful survey titled “Who clips the nails?”
(I instinctively connected with this title because in the 3+ years of my child’s life, his dad has clipped his nails precisely zero times.)
Here are the survey results for the chores moms are solo incharge of in traditional mom-and-dad families:
92% moms are incharge of buying and sorting clothes
88% moms are incharge of scheduling dentist and doctor appointments
84% moms are incharge of organizing kid birthday parties
80% moms are incharge of researching daycares/schools
75% moms are incharge of clipping nails
69% moms are incharge of checking for lice
68% moms are incharge of school communication, volunteering, etc.
47% moms are incharge of staying at home with sick kids
46% moms are incharge of brushing kids’ hair and teeth
35% moms are incharge of dropping off and picking up kids (to and fro school and other activities)
Similar sentiments were echoed by the moms who wrote to me:
“Noone tells you that the baby will be only your responsibility The mental load of planning for a child's day including and beyond food, clothing and basic health. This also includes planning of birthday parties, gifts for others’ birthday parties, activity classes, sending preschooler down with nanny, school emails/whatsapp group. In my case it also includes mediating conflict between my child and my husband. THIS after a long day of work for me as a mother and in the 5 minutes I ask my husband to spend with his son while I get my coffee.”
“I wish someone had told me just how much work is there after a child is born. What really took me by surprise is how much falls on the mother. My husband who is usually participative in all household matters took a back seat. All other family members hold the mom accountable. And it's not like it's a genetic skill set. But all diaper changing, clothes changing, feeding seems to fall on the mother as a responsibility. That it's a lot of time-consuming effort- physical & mental.”
“You are IT! from the time the baby arrives, you are it. You have been tagged. It is a burden you carry, 24 hrs a day. You have to constantly be aware of what the baby is doing, their next feed time, their next nappy time. It feels like having to constantly run faster and faster to stay in the same place.”
“Pre-childbirth, everyone used to say that the major task is pregnancy and childbirth. But no one warned me about the sheer amount of time you have to dedicate, for years and years to this endeavor! In the days of joint families, kids used to grow up 'automatically'. In this age of nuclear families, parents have to put in conscious extra efforts to ensure the child has enough emotional nurturing. It is not something we can really outsource. We can get help for cooking, feeding, washing etc. but to spend quality time with your child, you or your partner has to find time. And more than 90% of the time, it is the mother who has to shoulder this. Don't get into the business of parenthood, if you and your partner cannot commit time towards your child.”
No wonder then, that the…
Relationship between the parents deteriorates
“The amount of strain becoming parents can put on your relationship is definitely one of the least discussed aspects of motherhood. Your partner is this individual that you (hopefully) loved enough to make a baby with. But all of a sudden, you both stop finding enough time, energy, and mental bandwidth for each other.”
“Nobody tells you that you will be jealous of your husband and his multiple privileges. The first baby is like a stress test for the relationship. The spousal relationship will change in terms of communication, intimacy and the load sharing. And it can make or break the relationship.”
“Your relationship with your husband will be put through the biggest test yet. It will get worse before it gets better.
“The fact that wife and husband become not-equals all of a sudden after the baby comes. My husband calls us equals but in 2 years post my baby is born he cannot put her to sleep or feed her or bathe her. All these are my responsibilities.”
“My husband is not raja beta but parenting is not at all equal.”
“My husband does lip service to equal parenting, but is doing a shoddy job of it, so I have to automatically take up a much higher workload. This is causing severe resentment in our marriage.”
“No one warns women that even the most educated men in this country are not educated about being an equal partner in parenthood. Why must we know intuitively what being a mother is and be left in the care of older women / mums? And why must our partners be left wringing their hands outside the door, or simply go sauntering back to work like nothing changed?
With men, it becomes a vicious cycle of ‘not knowing what to do’ and then ‘not asking’ and then finally ‘not caring’ because it has all been taken care of, as usual by women around them.”
Being a parent can make you relive your childhood – in good ways and bad
“Motherhood made me revisit my own childhood and upbringing with a different lens - and I realized that my emotional needs were never met as a child.”
“I started seeing a lot of emotional abuse that I underwent as a child more clearly after I became a mother. I am now in therapy, and trying as hard as I can to not repeat the mistakes my parents made with me. It is hard - these things get wired into our subconscious mind, and are hard to uproot. It doesn’t help that no one talks about it as a part of parenthood.”
Loneliness and bonding with child
“Nobody tells you that motherhood is the longest and the loneliest journey in the world. No matter how supportive your family is (mine isn't), and how 'equally' the father helps with everything from bottle feeding to nappy changing (my husband didn't), the mother has to figure out everything herself. From the feeding time, to stopping the bottle, to planning solids for meals, to engaging and playing, soothing the tantrums, then putting the baby to sleep. Later she is the one who accompanies the toddler to the play dates, the school functions, buys the gifts for other kids' birthday parties. Where is the time, space and energy to think about herself?”
“One main thing I want to highlight is regarding 'advice' you get during pregnancy and afterwards from 'elders'. A major revelation for me was the fact that NONE of these pieces of wise advice consider the mother’s preferences or wellbeing. They keep what is good for the child, the father and everybody else as the focus. What is good for the mother is totally left out of the picture. So, the ONLY person who will consider your preference/wellbeing is YOU! It is a lonely life.”
“Motherhood can be lonely business because people expect you figure things out naturally and suddenly you find yourself left alone to fend for a little baby that you – especially as a first time mom – have no clue how to handle.”
“No one prepared me for the absence of bonding I felt with my daughter when she was born. I had an emergency C-Section, and I always thought I would feel motherly love wash over me as soon as I held by baby. But in my post-surgery fog, all I could think of as I looked at her was, ‘she's so pink!’ It took me many weeks to bond with her and it was traumatic because I was not prepared to feel this way.”
Losing your independence overnight.
“Not only my husband, but even my parents - who pushed me to excel in my career all along – have suddenly started telling me to take it easy / take a break post baby. My in laws don’t even ask what is career plan post baby. The opinions of previous generations is always that husband works all day but I’m doing childcare during maternity leave so that’s not really work.”
“My physical and mental exhaustion has left zero bandwidth to pursue any interests I have beyond being a mother. It is like I have lost every part of my identity except being a mother.”
“Even something like driving on your own for some errands feels like a mammoth task. Life gets reduced to a small radius in 1.5 hour intervals. Everyone warns you of the no sleep but not that you’ll feel tied down in one way or another for a few months.”
“I clearly remember this moment of utter horror I experienced the day after we brought the baby home. I had planned this baby, and yet, it suddenly felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life. Like I had ruined my life, the baby’s life, my entire family’s life by taking this irreversible step. The feeling stayed with me for many days, maybe weeks. No one lets you even verbalize such fears.”
Motherhood is a research project that never ends
“No one tells you that every small baby decision will feel like such a big step that you will want to research to the end of the world to get it ‘right’.”
“I didn’t know that companies and brands try to take advantage of the new parents' ignorance and guilt to push and sell things they don't need.”
“The evolving research and evidence in nutrition, learning, safety is endless! Like, what if tomorrow, broccoli is suddenly declared carcinogenic? Or Montessori comes up short in randomized control trials? Motherhood means hours and hours spent researching all these things you never thought about before!”
The physical challenges no one talks about
“Noone told me about the post pregnancy peeing frequency. I thought it is momentary but oh gosh it is now never ending!”
“Dysgeusia: It’s when you get a weird bad taste in your mouth after eating probably something that you have been craving all day.”
“No one tells you to expect head butts from the baby while you are breastfeeding. They are sudden and really strong. I broke my mother’s nose as a baby with a head butt. She had to be rushed to the hospital. No one warns or prepares mothers for these little things - they are left to discover and cope themselves.”
“I had acute plantar fasciitis (your heels develop an acute pain and every time you try to walk), back ache, knee ache and headaches above and beyond the surgery cut that hurt like hell. So anybody who tells you being a mother just gives you the strength to bear more pain… let me tell you it's 100% bullshit! You don’t become stronger by design - you simply don't have a choice!”
“I had a major B12 deficiency during breastfeeding. In this condition, all your joints in fingers, elbow, knees - everything hurts all the time and more so while you stress them – which is all the time during motherhood. I needed to pick up my baby every time while nursing her. She would soil her diaper during 7 out of 10 feeds. So she needed to be cleaned up and changed. I would feel lucky if her cloths weren’t soiled a few of these times. Flashnews: diapers aren’t always spill proof. There are a spill at least 5 out of 10 times. Once she was cleaned up, she would be ready for bed. Here, 10 out of 10 times she would get hiccups, and 8 out of 10 times she would get acid-reflux. So a one-time night/day nursing meant a 20-30min feed, cleaning diaper, changing her clothes, burping for 10-15 mins, cleaning up reflux and changing clothes again if soiled, rocking/feeding her back to sleep for another 10-15 mins.
Two hours later, all of this starts all over again. So before I shut my eyes, I had to put next alarm, all the while with my entire body in pain and agony!”
Breastfeeding is the toughest thing you will ever do
“People don’t talk enough about the fact that breastfeeding is HARD and nobody gets it right soon.”
“Breastfeeding is painful in the first few months. It is not a happy hormone filled journey of ecstasy and joy like it is depicted in pop culture. It is actually the opposite – probably the hardest thing you will ever do.”
“I did not enjoy breastfeeding at all. I found it back breaking; cumbersome and the least enjoyable part of motherhood.”
“People don’t talk about the insane food restrictions put on the mother while breastfeeding. Especially if you have a colicky baby, more than half the things you normally eat will be disallowed.”
“The 2 hourly feeding through the first 2 months of her life were horrible for me. I had a dozen alarms going off every 2 hours to remind myself to do that throughout the day and NIGHT. Once you are there you have to be committed, there’s just no other way. It is as hard to do this for any human being as it can be. Imagine you have undergone a major surgery, half your body is in acute pain and rest is barely dealing with hormonal shock of delivery, which might I add, increases the complexities of emotional and physical pain. And in between all this, you have to be up and about every two hours doing this painful, draining, exhausting activity over and over again.”
Postpartum depression
“Nobody talks about postpartum depression. The first time around, you are so focused on pregnancy and giving birth that nobody tells you that this is largely an easy warm up to the mental and physical horrors of postpartum recovery and depression.”
“I had postpartum depression. It made me feel that I would be doing this - feeding, changing nappies, putting him to sleep etc. for the rest of my life! I slowly I realized that in a couple of months, things got better. When I was finally able to lift my head and take a breath, and even started to enjoy it. But it took months to get there. I wish someone had told me this before. It would have helped me navigate the depression much better, knowing that there was light at the end of the tunnel.”
“I have cried through every hour of breast feeding through my first 2 months. My baby wasn’t gaining weight so I cried every time we saw the paediatrician again. It was during COVID lockdowns and I was paranoid of any help coming from outside. So there I was - alone and very alone - for the first time and so vulnerable. This was the hardest thing I had to do in my entire life thus far. I felt every minute that I was failing as a mother and I was upset and sad. In all this, my postpartum depression came and probably never left till my baby started smiling and laughing with me.”
Societal Judgment
“The amount of unsolicited advice is shocking.”
“I feel if someone had forewarned me about the first few months of motherhood it would have been a much better experience to navigate. These days there are prenatal classes for the mother , but it entirely focuses on breastfeeding and childcare . There is no attention given to either the physical or mental recovery of the mother. Someone educating me on how they managed the sleeplessness as well as bodily changes would have been so much more helpful. For someone whose body has been through a lot for 9 months, there is barely any focus on the mother recuperating. A C-section is treated as something common, but it is a full blown operative procedure. There is a recovery period for every procedure. I feel sad that everyone pretends like they sailed through everything instead of sharing their challenges. There is only an attitude to prove that they handled the situation better without giving any useful suggestions to a struggling mother.”
“As a woman, I was fairly used to being judged all the time for anything that I do. However, motherhood just elevates it to a whole other level. People offer advice and suggestions when not even asked and there is also a tendency to blame the mother for anything that goes wrong with the child (physical or otherwise) which is the last straw.”
“Since I had a baby boy, I was told by my mother-in-law that I am very bhagyashali (lucky). I couldn’t believe that the gender-based entitlement starts so young.”
“There is some particularly cruel judgement that society reserves for new mothers. People have said so many mean things to my face when I would take my 8-month-old to the park. And I would always be too exhausted to respond, much less ask them to shut up.”
“A friend's baby was born 6 weeks premature and spent 3 weeks in the NICU. It was a difficult and traumatic period for the mother. The day the baby got home, cousins and relatives flocked to see her. Instead of being kind and supportive to the already traumatized mother, they commented on the baby's size, the quality of the mother's eggs(!) and the quality of her breastmilk(!) It is horrifying how cruel people are to new mothers in their own family!”
“You can’t even escape the judgment if you are a happy mom! A mom who is okay with the weight/feeding habits of her baby is an oddity. I have been told that these are thing you must crib about, to avoid buri nazar (the evil eye).”
The Good news
Motherhood is not all bad news, of course.
There are good reasons why women have been undertaking this most difficult of challenges - sometimes over and over again - for all of humanity’s existence.
So this piece is not meant to discourage anyone from becoming a mother. It is just to shed light on the deep dark secrets of motherhood that no one talks about.
My eternal gratitude to all the brave beautiful mothers who wrote in and trusted me with these difficult realities.
I usually like to leave my readers in a place of discomfort - but this time, let me leave you with some messages of hope, again from the wonderful women who wrote in:
“Motherhood is not intuitive like a switch turning on in the brain and so it's normal to not know why the baby is crying and not feel like a failure. You will get there at some point – everyone does. But knowing that you will and it will help you tide over the times when you don’t.”
“You should know that you don’t have to do this alone, even if your family is not as supportive as you want them to be. It is important to learn early on that it is okay to ask and accept help. Join a supportive mothers’ WhatsApp group or Facebook page. There are sisterhoods of mothers today that can see you through endless nights.”
“People talk to their partners about all sorts of things but don’t know what questions to ask about parenthood. Make sure you have conversations about parenting, the roles both of you will play, how you plan to divide responsibilities etc. This is a critical conversation to have right when you are planning a family.”
“There is this whole ‘sacrificial’ angle of motherhood that everyone talks about. Nobody tells you that the most important thing you can do for your child is actually to prioritize yourself! Remember to fight for yourself and your comfort. It will make motherhood a much smoother ride for you and your baby.”
And on that important and happy note, much love to all the mothers - past, present, and future.
I hope this helps a bit.
Mahima
❤️ Love Womaning? Show it by becoming a paid subscriber or getting yourself some choice Womaning merch.
🔥 If you are an aspiring writer - or even someone who just wants to make their emails shine - check out my storytelling course, which includes writing workshops and one-on-one mentoring to help you write better, write consistently, and launch your own newsletter.
I have already made a choice to live a childfree life and these are some of the biggest reasons why I don’t wish to have a child. I’m going to show this post to anyone who tortures me to have a child. I’ll be the best maasi or bhua but for someone who’s dealt with mental health challenges all her life, having a kid is not for me.
My kids are 20 now. It’s taken me 20 years to be able to plan a trip without looking at school calendar, exam schedules, extracurricular schedules etc. Prioritising my needs were always a fight. I won some..lost some…..many i did not even attempt. Reading this filled me with dejavu moments.
At the peak of frustration one day, i bought a pack of chips, hid in the car in the garage and finished it all up before i went back to my adorable kids and the in-laws. It was my momentous protest. It was me saying “meri marzi”. It was also a protest against the unattainable fitness and body goals set by the Malaika Aroras of the world at that time.
And then i had to ask myself what the heck was wrong with me!!! I realised i was going literally mad. Thankfully, I could make several corrections happened after that incident.