As a male guilty of so many of the above, I want to add another Weapon to the list, which I am again guilty of. It is called "Weaponized Guilt". This is where the men accept they are incompetent/procrastinating/ignorant and that they should improve but never do. It is when we accept that women of the household work disproportionately and unfairly, recognize that we men should do better, but then delay getting better. This is made worse by accepting this guilt openly in front of friends do. I have said things like, "She does everything, runs the house and is awesome. I dont do anything man, I know I have to help her". But that helping eventually never happens. I am taking small steps to improve, but far away from being an equal. I hope to keep doing better and not considering it a favor.
So true and well articulated. My husband does the same and it's been more than 15 months now, that I'm still waiting for the consistent changed behaviour to take place.
touched beyond words. as a woman standing at the cusp of her prime youth, i’m tarnished for life, at least when it comes to the institution of marriage. i hope my cynicism gets better with time, however, till then, i’m happy with my individualism.
One of the most hilarious and deeply saddening pieces. Hilarious since it makes you wonder how similar journeys of most married women in India are and yet no one talks about it. Sad because women are supposed to put up with this bullshit even in 2023
Excellent analysis. Superb article. I am sure one of these days some of the Raja Betas graced with their privileges of weaponised incompetence will have a brain storming session and solve the problem with their weaponised problem-solving skills by giving out a supaari for Mahima. "She is putting words in our innocent wives' mouths!" because you are making the women assess their situation and realize the predicament they are in. You are turning the unspoken into speech events.
As a working woman I too had needed/longed for a wife. In 1995 I had written an article 'Wife's Wife' encouraging all the Bhabis and madams that their maids are their wives and should be properly taken care of because they are the only ones who make the home, the existence comfortable for you. Your husband may never, your children may be later may realize the drudgery you faced but your life is gone doing the repetitive domestic chores.
As a woman if you want to fight patriarchy raise a feminist son.
I really like the analogy of running through the house holding knives making something an unintended weapon.
I say this to my students at school ‘it doesn’t matter if you hurt someone by accident if you weren’t behaving appropriately’. Malicious intent is worse, of course, but hurting people by negligence and inaction is so disrespectful.
This is really validating to someone like me who had to fight her entire family against this quality by my ex. Yep, divorced him. Thank you for writing this!
You're acting like it's a big deal. Hire maids. I don't know any working woman who doesn't have help from her in laws/parents of maids. Don't know why there needs to be discussion regarding divorce over this.
If my wife ever acts like this I'll refuse to give her divorce.
Mental load is highly underrated. Remembering to look if groceries are getting over, calculating how many days supply you have of atta/rice/dal is no easy math. I think we should have a rule that every person should live alone in a rented accommodation without maid/cook for 1 year. Then he will learn to remember to pay electricity bill, maintenance, buying groceries etc.
Managing a house is job of everyone living in the house, not necessarily a wife's job. There is nothing to be proud of, if you cannot differentiate between different pulses.
Truly enjoyed this piece. We are an Indian couple living abroad which means we don’t have maids to insulate us from the weaponisation that you so beautifully captured. My solution has been to drop my standards to new lows rather than bow down and do the work (where health and safety of the family permits).
This was a great and deeply saddening read. It's heartbreaking how some women prefer doing extra work because they don't have the privilege of saving the marriage. A lot of introspection is required for us as a society
This is an incredible article! I've heard of weaponized incompetence through Reddit but your categories really bought it to life. I was able to immediately slot in so many relationships I know into different categories.
Lovely post. I like the use of the term 'weaponised' as a prefix for lot of silly and/or toxic behaviours exhibited by men. Long ago I had talked about the reason for longevity of Indian marriages on Quora, an answer subsequently picked up by Huffington Post. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-are-indian-styled-arr_b_2910773
I realise that I was limited in that answer. Your piece explores the subject really well. Bravo.
I just found this site today. Hopefully the membership will show on your end as I am not in India and my bank initially declined my membership.
What you are saying is 100% true that the middle and upper class of India have household help, and it has been the silent saviour of countless marriages. We can't know what troubles are faced by the women who are of lower status and cook and clean for others all day only to come home and play the servant role there as well.
This is also why NRIs warn their friends about bringing a girl to western countries. They tell their soon-to-be-married friends that the girl will become influenced by the western culture and not want to perform traditional duties like before.
My best friend from uni is a Hindu. She was near the top of her class and is a brilliant mind. When I learned that her marriage had been arranged to one of my husband's casual friends here in this country, I was overjoyed. In those days people of the Indian Subcontinent were such a minority here that no division existed between us. Pakistani and Indian clung to each other for dear life!
That also meant that the men felt more pressure to assimilate to the ways of the new country. They encouraged their wives to work. There was much more division of household labour.
As time went on, the diaspora community grew. We few OG women saw our men changing. They still wanted us to work but to do it more quietly. My best friend by that time was the HR director of a multinational company and working from home. Her husband convinced her that they should seek visas for his parents so that she could get some help with the housework that he decided to abandon. When his parents arrived, I recall hearing them ask in my limited Tamil understanding "why does she keep herself locked in that room playing computer games all day?". Finally she ended up being not only the primary wage earner in the home plus the primary cook, cleaner and child carer, but she also had to pretend that she was a housewife and keep her work and income info to herself. Her mother in law talked badly about her on the phone saying that she was like a child waking up only to play video games.
Something similar happened to me. My husband contributed less and less to the household with each passing year until for the last few he paid nothing. He had tenants come to our home who were single men and of no relation to me. I paid bills such as mortgage, property taxes, home insurance etc which are high in our area. The tenants paid money to only him. He was having a great time, busting out expensive bottles of alcohol and karaoke sets once weekly while I cooked and tried to sleep by midnight to be ready for work the next day while thumping music vibrated my bedroom wall. These men were also his preferred choice for group holidays. If I was not willing to take road trips with groups of his friends, I was being a prima donna. I also often paid for the lodgings. I am a fool, I know. All of this would have stung less had I not been the only cook and cleaner.
We are now divorced. To this day he says that I did nothing during our marriage and he did everything, yet he has two tenants living with him now plus a business and a full time job and he still asks me for loans. The first time he used the washing machine after my departure he broke it. He also broke the kitchen faucet in the first week. The house is disgusting and the lawn is so overgrown that the city sent him a fine.
Meanwhile, I have so much peace. I leave a clean home when I go to work and I come home to the same clean home. There are no in-laws or guests to serve. I can sit and enjoy an episode of Curb your Enthusiasm with a glass of wine and my puppy in peace.
My only regret is that I did not divorce sooner. It has had no bearing on my ability to find a much more suitable partner. I now have a truly modern man. But my sons are carbon copies of their dad. They are beyond lazy and they have no thought to spend their money for anyone but themselves and their friends. This would be fine except that my youngest son (I am 55) broke down in tears to tell me that he doesn't think he will ever have a girlfriend. Countless young Indian and Indian (we are Indian/Pakistani) diaspora boys are becoming incels. And I feel that by not becoming more domineering over my husband for those decades that I play the major role in my sons' fate. I have tried to help them by inviting them to my home with my husband so that they can see what is partnership. But they feel that this is abandonment of their father, and they say that all of his friends have left him now that he cannot afford a grand home and never-ending flows of black label alcohol. So they feel guilty to leave him come to stay with me or even visit for a few days. What to do? They will need to figure this out for themselves.
Thank you so much for your kind membership, Rasheedah ji. And even more for sharing that incredible story with so much honesty and clarity. I'm so sorry for the experience that you had with your first marriage and I feel such relief - even from a huge distance - that you got out. I agree with you that incel men are a huge problem for the present and future hope of building a just society. You'll find so many of them in this comment section alone. It is heartbreaking that men are trained to prefer loneliness over an equitable relationship 💔
As a male guilty of so many of the above, I want to add another Weapon to the list, which I am again guilty of. It is called "Weaponized Guilt". This is where the men accept they are incompetent/procrastinating/ignorant and that they should improve but never do. It is when we accept that women of the household work disproportionately and unfairly, recognize that we men should do better, but then delay getting better. This is made worse by accepting this guilt openly in front of friends do. I have said things like, "She does everything, runs the house and is awesome. I dont do anything man, I know I have to help her". But that helping eventually never happens. I am taking small steps to improve, but far away from being an equal. I hope to keep doing better and not considering it a favor.
So true and well articulated. My husband does the same and it's been more than 15 months now, that I'm still waiting for the consistent changed behaviour to take place.
touched beyond words. as a woman standing at the cusp of her prime youth, i’m tarnished for life, at least when it comes to the institution of marriage. i hope my cynicism gets better with time, however, till then, i’m happy with my individualism.
One of the most hilarious and deeply saddening pieces. Hilarious since it makes you wonder how similar journeys of most married women in India are and yet no one talks about it. Sad because women are supposed to put up with this bullshit even in 2023
Excellent analysis. Superb article. I am sure one of these days some of the Raja Betas graced with their privileges of weaponised incompetence will have a brain storming session and solve the problem with their weaponised problem-solving skills by giving out a supaari for Mahima. "She is putting words in our innocent wives' mouths!" because you are making the women assess their situation and realize the predicament they are in. You are turning the unspoken into speech events.
As a working woman I too had needed/longed for a wife. In 1995 I had written an article 'Wife's Wife' encouraging all the Bhabis and madams that their maids are their wives and should be properly taken care of because they are the only ones who make the home, the existence comfortable for you. Your husband may never, your children may be later may realize the drudgery you faced but your life is gone doing the repetitive domestic chores.
As a woman if you want to fight patriarchy raise a feminist son.
"if you want to fight patriarchy raise a feminist son" - Motto of my life right there!
man im only halfway through but the Salman Khan gifs are so funny and i like how they're ONLY bhoi
I really like the analogy of running through the house holding knives making something an unintended weapon.
I say this to my students at school ‘it doesn’t matter if you hurt someone by accident if you weren’t behaving appropriately’. Malicious intent is worse, of course, but hurting people by negligence and inaction is so disrespectful.
A great piece, thanks for writing.
This is really validating to someone like me who had to fight her entire family against this quality by my ex. Yep, divorced him. Thank you for writing this!
You're acting like it's a big deal. Hire maids. I don't know any working woman who doesn't have help from her in laws/parents of maids. Don't know why there needs to be discussion regarding divorce over this.
If my wife ever acts like this I'll refuse to give her divorce.
k.
truly amazing letter
gave me womens pov and motivated me to change this stubborn attitude that has been gifted in generations
we need to end this guys
Mental load is highly underrated. Remembering to look if groceries are getting over, calculating how many days supply you have of atta/rice/dal is no easy math. I think we should have a rule that every person should live alone in a rented accommodation without maid/cook for 1 year. Then he will learn to remember to pay electricity bill, maintenance, buying groceries etc.
Managing house is wife's job usually. Most men cannot even tell the difference between dals
Managing a house is job of everyone living in the house, not necessarily a wife's job. There is nothing to be proud of, if you cannot differentiate between different pulses.
Sad to see most men are incompetent enough to identify dals also which they eat daily! Tch tch.
Truly enjoyed this piece. We are an Indian couple living abroad which means we don’t have maids to insulate us from the weaponisation that you so beautifully captured. My solution has been to drop my standards to new lows rather than bow down and do the work (where health and safety of the family permits).
This is such a infuriating, frustrating but at the same time wonderful and important piece. Thank you Mahima.
This was a great and deeply saddening read. It's heartbreaking how some women prefer doing extra work because they don't have the privilege of saving the marriage. A lot of introspection is required for us as a society
Add weaponized lack of automation :) doing lots of unnecessary manual labor till wife is compelled to step in. Great companion post to mental load
This is an incredible article! I've heard of weaponized incompetence through Reddit but your categories really bought it to life. I was able to immediately slot in so many relationships I know into different categories.
Lovely post. I like the use of the term 'weaponised' as a prefix for lot of silly and/or toxic behaviours exhibited by men. Long ago I had talked about the reason for longevity of Indian marriages on Quora, an answer subsequently picked up by Huffington Post. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-are-indian-styled-arr_b_2910773
I realise that I was limited in that answer. Your piece explores the subject really well. Bravo.
I just found this site today. Hopefully the membership will show on your end as I am not in India and my bank initially declined my membership.
What you are saying is 100% true that the middle and upper class of India have household help, and it has been the silent saviour of countless marriages. We can't know what troubles are faced by the women who are of lower status and cook and clean for others all day only to come home and play the servant role there as well.
This is also why NRIs warn their friends about bringing a girl to western countries. They tell their soon-to-be-married friends that the girl will become influenced by the western culture and not want to perform traditional duties like before.
My best friend from uni is a Hindu. She was near the top of her class and is a brilliant mind. When I learned that her marriage had been arranged to one of my husband's casual friends here in this country, I was overjoyed. In those days people of the Indian Subcontinent were such a minority here that no division existed between us. Pakistani and Indian clung to each other for dear life!
That also meant that the men felt more pressure to assimilate to the ways of the new country. They encouraged their wives to work. There was much more division of household labour.
As time went on, the diaspora community grew. We few OG women saw our men changing. They still wanted us to work but to do it more quietly. My best friend by that time was the HR director of a multinational company and working from home. Her husband convinced her that they should seek visas for his parents so that she could get some help with the housework that he decided to abandon. When his parents arrived, I recall hearing them ask in my limited Tamil understanding "why does she keep herself locked in that room playing computer games all day?". Finally she ended up being not only the primary wage earner in the home plus the primary cook, cleaner and child carer, but she also had to pretend that she was a housewife and keep her work and income info to herself. Her mother in law talked badly about her on the phone saying that she was like a child waking up only to play video games.
Something similar happened to me. My husband contributed less and less to the household with each passing year until for the last few he paid nothing. He had tenants come to our home who were single men and of no relation to me. I paid bills such as mortgage, property taxes, home insurance etc which are high in our area. The tenants paid money to only him. He was having a great time, busting out expensive bottles of alcohol and karaoke sets once weekly while I cooked and tried to sleep by midnight to be ready for work the next day while thumping music vibrated my bedroom wall. These men were also his preferred choice for group holidays. If I was not willing to take road trips with groups of his friends, I was being a prima donna. I also often paid for the lodgings. I am a fool, I know. All of this would have stung less had I not been the only cook and cleaner.
We are now divorced. To this day he says that I did nothing during our marriage and he did everything, yet he has two tenants living with him now plus a business and a full time job and he still asks me for loans. The first time he used the washing machine after my departure he broke it. He also broke the kitchen faucet in the first week. The house is disgusting and the lawn is so overgrown that the city sent him a fine.
Meanwhile, I have so much peace. I leave a clean home when I go to work and I come home to the same clean home. There are no in-laws or guests to serve. I can sit and enjoy an episode of Curb your Enthusiasm with a glass of wine and my puppy in peace.
My only regret is that I did not divorce sooner. It has had no bearing on my ability to find a much more suitable partner. I now have a truly modern man. But my sons are carbon copies of their dad. They are beyond lazy and they have no thought to spend their money for anyone but themselves and their friends. This would be fine except that my youngest son (I am 55) broke down in tears to tell me that he doesn't think he will ever have a girlfriend. Countless young Indian and Indian (we are Indian/Pakistani) diaspora boys are becoming incels. And I feel that by not becoming more domineering over my husband for those decades that I play the major role in my sons' fate. I have tried to help them by inviting them to my home with my husband so that they can see what is partnership. But they feel that this is abandonment of their father, and they say that all of his friends have left him now that he cannot afford a grand home and never-ending flows of black label alcohol. So they feel guilty to leave him come to stay with me or even visit for a few days. What to do? They will need to figure this out for themselves.
Thank you so much for your kind membership, Rasheedah ji. And even more for sharing that incredible story with so much honesty and clarity. I'm so sorry for the experience that you had with your first marriage and I feel such relief - even from a huge distance - that you got out. I agree with you that incel men are a huge problem for the present and future hope of building a just society. You'll find so many of them in this comment section alone. It is heartbreaking that men are trained to prefer loneliness over an equitable relationship 💔