As a male guilty of so many of the above, I want to add another Weapon to the list, which I am again guilty of. It is called "Weaponized Guilt". This is where the men accept they are incompetent/procrastinating/ignorant and that they should improve but never do. It is when we accept that women of the household work disproportionately and unfairly, recognize that we men should do better, but then delay getting better. This is made worse by accepting this guilt openly in front of friends do. I have said things like, "She does everything, runs the house and is awesome. I dont do anything man, I know I have to help her". But that helping eventually never happens. I am taking small steps to improve, but far away from being an equal. I hope to keep doing better and not considering it a favor.
touched beyond words. as a woman standing at the cusp of her prime youth, i’m tarnished for life, at least when it comes to the institution of marriage. i hope my cynicism gets better with time, however, till then, i’m happy with my individualism.
One of the most hilarious and deeply saddening pieces. Hilarious since it makes you wonder how similar journeys of most married women in India are and yet no one talks about it. Sad because women are supposed to put up with this bullshit even in 2023
Excellent analysis. Superb article. I am sure one of these days some of the Raja Betas graced with their privileges of weaponised incompetence will have a brain storming session and solve the problem with their weaponised problem-solving skills by giving out a supaari for Mahima. "She is putting words in our innocent wives' mouths!" because you are making the women assess their situation and realize the predicament they are in. You are turning the unspoken into speech events.
As a working woman I too had needed/longed for a wife. In 1995 I had written an article 'Wife's Wife' encouraging all the Bhabis and madams that their maids are their wives and should be properly taken care of because they are the only ones who make the home, the existence comfortable for you. Your husband may never, your children may be later may realize the drudgery you faced but your life is gone doing the repetitive domestic chores.
As a woman if you want to fight patriarchy raise a feminist son.
I really like the analogy of running through the house holding knives making something an unintended weapon.
I say this to my students at school ‘it doesn’t matter if you hurt someone by accident if you weren’t behaving appropriately’. Malicious intent is worse, of course, but hurting people by negligence and inaction is so disrespectful.
This is really validating to someone like me who had to fight her entire family against this quality by my ex. Yep, divorced him. Thank you for writing this!
May 3, 2023·edited May 3, 2023Liked by Mahima Vashisht
Mental load is highly underrated. Remembering to look if groceries are getting over, calculating how many days supply you have of atta/rice/dal is no easy math. I think we should have a rule that every person should live alone in a rented accommodation without maid/cook for 1 year. Then he will learn to remember to pay electricity bill, maintenance, buying groceries etc.
Truly enjoyed this piece. We are an Indian couple living abroad which means we don’t have maids to insulate us from the weaponisation that you so beautifully captured. My solution has been to drop my standards to new lows rather than bow down and do the work (where health and safety of the family permits).
This was a great and deeply saddening read. It's heartbreaking how some women prefer doing extra work because they don't have the privilege of saving the marriage. A lot of introspection is required for us as a society
This is an incredible article! I've heard of weaponized incompetence through Reddit but your categories really bought it to life. I was able to immediately slot in so many relationships I know into different categories.
May 3, 2023·edited May 3, 2023Liked by Mahima Vashisht
Lovely post. I like the use of the term 'weaponised' as a prefix for lot of silly and/or toxic behaviours exhibited by men. Long ago I had talked about the reason for longevity of Indian marriages on Quora, an answer subsequently picked up by Huffington Post. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-are-indian-styled-arr_b_2910773
I realise that I was limited in that answer. Your piece explores the subject really well. Bravo.
Amazing article.. just so real ...it's like life of every indian married woman put on paper. Read this word Weapinzed xyz tools .. for the first time...and it all.makes so much sense ... Too good!
As a male guilty of so many of the above, I want to add another Weapon to the list, which I am again guilty of. It is called "Weaponized Guilt". This is where the men accept they are incompetent/procrastinating/ignorant and that they should improve but never do. It is when we accept that women of the household work disproportionately and unfairly, recognize that we men should do better, but then delay getting better. This is made worse by accepting this guilt openly in front of friends do. I have said things like, "She does everything, runs the house and is awesome. I dont do anything man, I know I have to help her". But that helping eventually never happens. I am taking small steps to improve, but far away from being an equal. I hope to keep doing better and not considering it a favor.
touched beyond words. as a woman standing at the cusp of her prime youth, i’m tarnished for life, at least when it comes to the institution of marriage. i hope my cynicism gets better with time, however, till then, i’m happy with my individualism.
One of the most hilarious and deeply saddening pieces. Hilarious since it makes you wonder how similar journeys of most married women in India are and yet no one talks about it. Sad because women are supposed to put up with this bullshit even in 2023
Excellent analysis. Superb article. I am sure one of these days some of the Raja Betas graced with their privileges of weaponised incompetence will have a brain storming session and solve the problem with their weaponised problem-solving skills by giving out a supaari for Mahima. "She is putting words in our innocent wives' mouths!" because you are making the women assess their situation and realize the predicament they are in. You are turning the unspoken into speech events.
As a working woman I too had needed/longed for a wife. In 1995 I had written an article 'Wife's Wife' encouraging all the Bhabis and madams that their maids are their wives and should be properly taken care of because they are the only ones who make the home, the existence comfortable for you. Your husband may never, your children may be later may realize the drudgery you faced but your life is gone doing the repetitive domestic chores.
As a woman if you want to fight patriarchy raise a feminist son.
man im only halfway through but the Salman Khan gifs are so funny and i like how they're ONLY bhoi
I really like the analogy of running through the house holding knives making something an unintended weapon.
I say this to my students at school ‘it doesn’t matter if you hurt someone by accident if you weren’t behaving appropriately’. Malicious intent is worse, of course, but hurting people by negligence and inaction is so disrespectful.
A great piece, thanks for writing.
This is really validating to someone like me who had to fight her entire family against this quality by my ex. Yep, divorced him. Thank you for writing this!
truly amazing letter
gave me womens pov and motivated me to change this stubborn attitude that has been gifted in generations
we need to end this guys
Mental load is highly underrated. Remembering to look if groceries are getting over, calculating how many days supply you have of atta/rice/dal is no easy math. I think we should have a rule that every person should live alone in a rented accommodation without maid/cook for 1 year. Then he will learn to remember to pay electricity bill, maintenance, buying groceries etc.
Truly enjoyed this piece. We are an Indian couple living abroad which means we don’t have maids to insulate us from the weaponisation that you so beautifully captured. My solution has been to drop my standards to new lows rather than bow down and do the work (where health and safety of the family permits).
This is such a infuriating, frustrating but at the same time wonderful and important piece. Thank you Mahima.
This was a great and deeply saddening read. It's heartbreaking how some women prefer doing extra work because they don't have the privilege of saving the marriage. A lot of introspection is required for us as a society
Add weaponized lack of automation :) doing lots of unnecessary manual labor till wife is compelled to step in. Great companion post to mental load
This is an incredible article! I've heard of weaponized incompetence through Reddit but your categories really bought it to life. I was able to immediately slot in so many relationships I know into different categories.
Lovely post. I like the use of the term 'weaponised' as a prefix for lot of silly and/or toxic behaviours exhibited by men. Long ago I had talked about the reason for longevity of Indian marriages on Quora, an answer subsequently picked up by Huffington Post. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-are-indian-styled-arr_b_2910773
I realise that I was limited in that answer. Your piece explores the subject really well. Bravo.
Amazing article.. just so real ...it's like life of every indian married woman put on paper. Read this word Weapinzed xyz tools .. for the first time...and it all.makes so much sense ... Too good!