As a male guilty of so many of the above, I want to add another Weapon to the list, which I am again guilty of. It is called "Weaponized Guilt". This is where the men accept they are incompetent/procrastinating/ignorant and that they should improve but never do. It is when we accept that women of the household work disproportionately and unfairly, recognize that we men should do better, but then delay getting better. This is made worse by accepting this guilt openly in front of friends do. I have said things like, "She does everything, runs the house and is awesome. I dont do anything man, I know I have to help her". But that helping eventually never happens. I am taking small steps to improve, but far away from being an equal. I hope to keep doing better and not considering it a favor.
So true and well articulated. My husband does the same and it's been more than 15 months now, that I'm still waiting for the consistent changed behaviour to take place.
touched beyond words. as a woman standing at the cusp of her prime youth, i’m tarnished for life, at least when it comes to the institution of marriage. i hope my cynicism gets better with time, however, till then, i’m happy with my individualism.
Excellent analysis. Superb article. I am sure one of these days some of the Raja Betas graced with their privileges of weaponised incompetence will have a brain storming session and solve the problem with their weaponised problem-solving skills by giving out a supaari for Mahima. "She is putting words in our innocent wives' mouths!" because you are making the women assess their situation and realize the predicament they are in. You are turning the unspoken into speech events.
As a working woman I too had needed/longed for a wife. In 1995 I had written an article 'Wife's Wife' encouraging all the Bhabis and madams that their maids are their wives and should be properly taken care of because they are the only ones who make the home, the existence comfortable for you. Your husband may never, your children may be later may realize the drudgery you faced but your life is gone doing the repetitive domestic chores.
As a woman if you want to fight patriarchy raise a feminist son.
One of the most hilarious and deeply saddening pieces. Hilarious since it makes you wonder how similar journeys of most married women in India are and yet no one talks about it. Sad because women are supposed to put up with this bullshit even in 2023
This is really validating to someone like me who had to fight her entire family against this quality by my ex. Yep, divorced him. Thank you for writing this!
You're acting like it's a big deal. Hire maids. I don't know any working woman who doesn't have help from her in laws/parents of maids. Don't know why there needs to be discussion regarding divorce over this.
If my wife ever acts like this I'll refuse to give her divorce.
I really like the analogy of running through the house holding knives making something an unintended weapon.
I say this to my students at school ‘it doesn’t matter if you hurt someone by accident if you weren’t behaving appropriately’. Malicious intent is worse, of course, but hurting people by negligence and inaction is so disrespectful.
Truly enjoyed this piece. We are an Indian couple living abroad which means we don’t have maids to insulate us from the weaponisation that you so beautifully captured. My solution has been to drop my standards to new lows rather than bow down and do the work (where health and safety of the family permits).
All the stories are quite relatable, especially since I moved overseas I can tell how much help it is to divide household responsibilities. Reading this made me realise that I should be more appreciative of the men in my life. My dad and brother ran the household, including jhaadu pocha and dishes, during peak lockdown while my mom and sis-in-law were stuck with me for 2 months. I am even more appreciative of my late husband who even during his cancer treatment days would order groceries (extra when he couldn't decide how much is appropriate bless his soul) when he couldn't sleep from the meds. Of course they all weaponized incompetence at various points in time but the scale is much smaller and my takeaway here is to count my blessings. Sometimes my brother jokes that I'm too feminist, and I get irked by it but I realize my home is more supportive than I thought it was. It's still a work in progress but I have hope!
This was a great and deeply saddening read. It's heartbreaking how some women prefer doing extra work because they don't have the privilege of saving the marriage. A lot of introspection is required for us as a society
This is an incredible article! I've heard of weaponized incompetence through Reddit but your categories really bought it to life. I was able to immediately slot in so many relationships I know into different categories.
Mental load is highly underrated. Remembering to look if groceries are getting over, calculating how many days supply you have of atta/rice/dal is no easy math. I think we should have a rule that every person should live alone in a rented accommodation without maid/cook for 1 year. Then he will learn to remember to pay electricity bill, maintenance, buying groceries etc.
Managing a house is job of everyone living in the house, not necessarily a wife's job. There is nothing to be proud of, if you cannot differentiate between different pulses.
As a person searching for a partner, this is what scares me. Men these days will say they will do household tasks, but when push actually comes to shove, they will pretend like they don't know how to do anything. The men in the comment section (every comment section) just proves my point.
As a male guilty of so many of the above, I want to add another Weapon to the list, which I am again guilty of. It is called "Weaponized Guilt". This is where the men accept they are incompetent/procrastinating/ignorant and that they should improve but never do. It is when we accept that women of the household work disproportionately and unfairly, recognize that we men should do better, but then delay getting better. This is made worse by accepting this guilt openly in front of friends do. I have said things like, "She does everything, runs the house and is awesome. I dont do anything man, I know I have to help her". But that helping eventually never happens. I am taking small steps to improve, but far away from being an equal. I hope to keep doing better and not considering it a favor.
So true and well articulated. My husband does the same and it's been more than 15 months now, that I'm still waiting for the consistent changed behaviour to take place.
touched beyond words. as a woman standing at the cusp of her prime youth, i’m tarnished for life, at least when it comes to the institution of marriage. i hope my cynicism gets better with time, however, till then, i’m happy with my individualism.
Excellent analysis. Superb article. I am sure one of these days some of the Raja Betas graced with their privileges of weaponised incompetence will have a brain storming session and solve the problem with their weaponised problem-solving skills by giving out a supaari for Mahima. "She is putting words in our innocent wives' mouths!" because you are making the women assess their situation and realize the predicament they are in. You are turning the unspoken into speech events.
As a working woman I too had needed/longed for a wife. In 1995 I had written an article 'Wife's Wife' encouraging all the Bhabis and madams that their maids are their wives and should be properly taken care of because they are the only ones who make the home, the existence comfortable for you. Your husband may never, your children may be later may realize the drudgery you faced but your life is gone doing the repetitive domestic chores.
As a woman if you want to fight patriarchy raise a feminist son.
"if you want to fight patriarchy raise a feminist son" - Motto of my life right there!
One of the most hilarious and deeply saddening pieces. Hilarious since it makes you wonder how similar journeys of most married women in India are and yet no one talks about it. Sad because women are supposed to put up with this bullshit even in 2023
This is really validating to someone like me who had to fight her entire family against this quality by my ex. Yep, divorced him. Thank you for writing this!
You're acting like it's a big deal. Hire maids. I don't know any working woman who doesn't have help from her in laws/parents of maids. Don't know why there needs to be discussion regarding divorce over this.
If my wife ever acts like this I'll refuse to give her divorce.
k.
"I'd rather force my wife to be in an unhappy marriage than change for the better" lmao.
This is such a infuriating, frustrating but at the same time wonderful and important piece. Thank you Mahima.
I really like the analogy of running through the house holding knives making something an unintended weapon.
I say this to my students at school ‘it doesn’t matter if you hurt someone by accident if you weren’t behaving appropriately’. Malicious intent is worse, of course, but hurting people by negligence and inaction is so disrespectful.
A great piece, thanks for writing.
Truly enjoyed this piece. We are an Indian couple living abroad which means we don’t have maids to insulate us from the weaponisation that you so beautifully captured. My solution has been to drop my standards to new lows rather than bow down and do the work (where health and safety of the family permits).
All the stories are quite relatable, especially since I moved overseas I can tell how much help it is to divide household responsibilities. Reading this made me realise that I should be more appreciative of the men in my life. My dad and brother ran the household, including jhaadu pocha and dishes, during peak lockdown while my mom and sis-in-law were stuck with me for 2 months. I am even more appreciative of my late husband who even during his cancer treatment days would order groceries (extra when he couldn't decide how much is appropriate bless his soul) when he couldn't sleep from the meds. Of course they all weaponized incompetence at various points in time but the scale is much smaller and my takeaway here is to count my blessings. Sometimes my brother jokes that I'm too feminist, and I get irked by it but I realize my home is more supportive than I thought it was. It's still a work in progress but I have hope!
Why? You're the wife so can't you do everything?
man im only halfway through but the Salman Khan gifs are so funny and i like how they're ONLY bhoi
This was a great and deeply saddening read. It's heartbreaking how some women prefer doing extra work because they don't have the privilege of saving the marriage. A lot of introspection is required for us as a society
Add weaponized lack of automation :) doing lots of unnecessary manual labor till wife is compelled to step in. Great companion post to mental load
truly amazing letter
gave me womens pov and motivated me to change this stubborn attitude that has been gifted in generations
we need to end this guys
This is an incredible article! I've heard of weaponized incompetence through Reddit but your categories really bought it to life. I was able to immediately slot in so many relationships I know into different categories.
Mental load is highly underrated. Remembering to look if groceries are getting over, calculating how many days supply you have of atta/rice/dal is no easy math. I think we should have a rule that every person should live alone in a rented accommodation without maid/cook for 1 year. Then he will learn to remember to pay electricity bill, maintenance, buying groceries etc.
Managing house is wife's job usually. Most men cannot even tell the difference between dals
Sad to see most men are incompetent enough to identify dals also which they eat daily! Tch tch.
Managing a house is job of everyone living in the house, not necessarily a wife's job. There is nothing to be proud of, if you cannot differentiate between different pulses.
As a person searching for a partner, this is what scares me. Men these days will say they will do household tasks, but when push actually comes to shove, they will pretend like they don't know how to do anything. The men in the comment section (every comment section) just proves my point.