Few suggestions from a fellow "Self-Diagnosed Eldest Daughter Syndrome Patient"
Do It. From a huge people pleaser. If helping people makes you feel good, DO IT. I now try not to attach any expectations when I do something for anyone. I know I know, this kind of plays with the line "Oh, I am very independent". But that's a problem for other time. Right now, focus is on to not becoming the victim of the situation. Help if you can, cry (?) if you cannot.
Guilt and Shame. Doing even a tiny bit of something for myself makes me feel like I am being so selfish. I can't eat a whole chocolate without feeling a bit of shame. So, self-parenting. I keep telling myself it's okay, not a big deal, take space.
Talk about it. We all were stuck at home after covid and due to WFH, still here. Parents and brother acknowledging somethings has been very helpful. They now even push me to do things when they see me putting myself behind.
Acceptance. There are few perks which I think comes with this syndrome. I like caring for people. I love when someone says, what!! you still remember that tiny detail about me. You did THIS for me. Fights between parents have gone down too, and I am also trying not to see them from the lens of a perfect couple/mother/father. They will be fine is all I say to myself whenever there is an urge to intervene, and guess what? They have been fine. You cannot fix everything and everyone. So, my point being, Accept this is who you are. Take help from people around you in unlearning unhealthy habits.
Confrontation. Hate this! Can't confront people to save my life. Yes, walking on eggshells around parents will do that to you. But try. I have tried and have cried almost every time after that. But I promise you it gets better. Maybe don't confront people who have shown you that they don't deal with criticism nicely. I have been fortunate of having good friends with whom conflict doesn't feel like a first step towards fight, rather helps both of us understand each other better. So, surround yourself with connections like that.
Receiving. This is the one I struggle with the most. Being vulnerable or opening up to people feels like I am being a burden. Again, Self parent. Baby steps. I am learning this one too.
I am sure I am forgetting many things that I have learned over the years, but that's what I have for now. Feel free to call me out on my "suggestions" if they are unhealthy.
Also, also, beautifully written post. Loved the GIFs in between :D
And, sorry for any errors, typed in a hurry, couldn't proofread!
Mahima, what a lovely piece. I loved all the stories shared here. I’m the middle sis, and quite honestly it was only in your workshop, when you asked us to write on this prompt, did I really stop to think about my older sister and just how much she’s done for me... been there for me when often times I didn't even realise how she supported me. All of this while juggling her own life and world, millions of miles away from home herself.
Since then, I’ve really tried to be that person/ friend/ ear/ shoulder… all of the above and more to her ❤️ Thanks for writing this piece, just reminded me to go give her that big bear hug again 🥰
Hello ji, very talented you are dear Mahima! Whether you are an eldest daughter or not, your superpower is innate, is your own! Loved this piece like all others of yours.
Loved the coinage 'civilians'😄(civilians like Sumit).
The 'Family Emotion Manager' ('s) story ( 😢) 'my parents should not have gotten married and should not have had children' sums up the bitter reality of our culture! You decide the percentage.... For me it used to be hundred. More power to your pen!
This is the best piece of writing I have read in a long long time. Girl, you're healing us. There is not one sentence in this article that I could not have pressed a 'hard relate' button to. While that relatability bit definitely has something to do with EDS, it's the way you're able to actually bring all of it out and across to us that is really absolutely AMAZING.
I am a very recent subscriber to your channel but I'd be so so so glad if I get to read more of your work soon! What I'm trying to say here is, if today you were to write a book, I'd pick it up in a heartbeat.
This is a unique, much needed piece Mahima. So many young girls and women are struggling to meet unrealistic expectations! So many may have suffered neglect and abuse in their childhoods because parents wanted to lighten their burdens. Wish more people would bring this subject out in the open, see it for what it is and start psychoeducating parents and relatives.
This piece once again shows the mental toll your work must take on you. While your work and this newsletter is essential, I hope you're able to beat the EDS and prioritise yourself when necessary.
Uffff, I feel so seen by this comment - and that is such an unfamiliar feeling for someone with EDS. Basically what I am saying is - bas kar pagle, rulaega kya 🥹🥹
Few suggestions from a fellow "Self-Diagnosed Eldest Daughter Syndrome Patient"
Do It. From a huge people pleaser. If helping people makes you feel good, DO IT. I now try not to attach any expectations when I do something for anyone. I know I know, this kind of plays with the line "Oh, I am very independent". But that's a problem for other time. Right now, focus is on to not becoming the victim of the situation. Help if you can, cry (?) if you cannot.
Guilt and Shame. Doing even a tiny bit of something for myself makes me feel like I am being so selfish. I can't eat a whole chocolate without feeling a bit of shame. So, self-parenting. I keep telling myself it's okay, not a big deal, take space.
Talk about it. We all were stuck at home after covid and due to WFH, still here. Parents and brother acknowledging somethings has been very helpful. They now even push me to do things when they see me putting myself behind.
Acceptance. There are few perks which I think comes with this syndrome. I like caring for people. I love when someone says, what!! you still remember that tiny detail about me. You did THIS for me. Fights between parents have gone down too, and I am also trying not to see them from the lens of a perfect couple/mother/father. They will be fine is all I say to myself whenever there is an urge to intervene, and guess what? They have been fine. You cannot fix everything and everyone. So, my point being, Accept this is who you are. Take help from people around you in unlearning unhealthy habits.
Confrontation. Hate this! Can't confront people to save my life. Yes, walking on eggshells around parents will do that to you. But try. I have tried and have cried almost every time after that. But I promise you it gets better. Maybe don't confront people who have shown you that they don't deal with criticism nicely. I have been fortunate of having good friends with whom conflict doesn't feel like a first step towards fight, rather helps both of us understand each other better. So, surround yourself with connections like that.
Receiving. This is the one I struggle with the most. Being vulnerable or opening up to people feels like I am being a burden. Again, Self parent. Baby steps. I am learning this one too.
I am sure I am forgetting many things that I have learned over the years, but that's what I have for now. Feel free to call me out on my "suggestions" if they are unhealthy.
Also, also, beautifully written post. Loved the GIFs in between :D
And, sorry for any errors, typed in a hurry, couldn't proofread!
Beautiful suggestions Pooja. Thank you for reading and for taking the time to share these ❤️
Mahima, what a lovely piece. I loved all the stories shared here. I’m the middle sis, and quite honestly it was only in your workshop, when you asked us to write on this prompt, did I really stop to think about my older sister and just how much she’s done for me... been there for me when often times I didn't even realise how she supported me. All of this while juggling her own life and world, millions of miles away from home herself.
Since then, I’ve really tried to be that person/ friend/ ear/ shoulder… all of the above and more to her ❤️ Thanks for writing this piece, just reminded me to go give her that big bear hug again 🥰
One bear hug from me to both of you too, Richa! ❤️
Hello ji, very talented you are dear Mahima! Whether you are an eldest daughter or not, your superpower is innate, is your own! Loved this piece like all others of yours.
Loved the coinage 'civilians'😄(civilians like Sumit).
The 'Family Emotion Manager' ('s) story ( 😢) 'my parents should not have gotten married and should not have had children' sums up the bitter reality of our culture! You decide the percentage.... For me it used to be hundred. More power to your pen!
Thank you Kiran! For reading and for taking the time to send this delightful message! ❤️
This is the best piece of writing I have read in a long long time. Girl, you're healing us. There is not one sentence in this article that I could not have pressed a 'hard relate' button to. While that relatability bit definitely has something to do with EDS, it's the way you're able to actually bring all of it out and across to us that is really absolutely AMAZING.
I am a very recent subscriber to your channel but I'd be so so so glad if I get to read more of your work soon! What I'm trying to say here is, if today you were to write a book, I'd pick it up in a heartbeat.
Thank you so much Aditi. That means the world to me. Much needed inspiration to get working on the book ❤️
Love this so much. Made me tear up multiple times. Thank you for writing it, Mahima!
Thank you for reading and taking the time to send me those kind words, Amrita ❤️
Thank you for writing this 💛 So powerful! So poignant! Much resonance ✨
Reading this after a long day of work. Made me tear up. Thank you for writing this. <3
This is why I do what I do 💕
i’m an eldest daughter of an eldest daughter…lets just say i’m glad insurance covers my therapy where i live lol
Hahahahaha where is this I also want to move 😂😂
This is a unique, much needed piece Mahima. So many young girls and women are struggling to meet unrealistic expectations! So many may have suffered neglect and abuse in their childhoods because parents wanted to lighten their burdens. Wish more people would bring this subject out in the open, see it for what it is and start psychoeducating parents and relatives.
Thank you Kermaan, I agree with every word you said of course!
Just so good !!!
Thank you Sanket! ❤️
Back with a banger! 🥳🥳
This piece once again shows the mental toll your work must take on you. While your work and this newsletter is essential, I hope you're able to beat the EDS and prioritise yourself when necessary.
Uffff, I feel so seen by this comment - and that is such an unfamiliar feeling for someone with EDS. Basically what I am saying is - bas kar pagle, rulaega kya 🥹🥹