Aah, hair, where do I begin? I lived in the US when I was 8yrs old and loved the short hair look. We moved back to North India in the 60s and I saw girls in my school having short hair. I begged my mother to let me cut my hair. Her reaction was What? Who will marry you? We are South Indians and women's hair is not to be cut...E V E R, unless god forbid, one is widowed, then off with all the hair! I asked her, are you raising me like a sheep to be slaughtered, fattening me for the kill? Anyway, cut forward to my wedding, one of the first things my mother in law said to me in private was - You are going to live in the US, wear what you like, just dont cut your hair. @#$! I was very upset, I ranted to my mother, see, I told you we should have cut my hair when I was 12, that way, future in laws would not have a say about it. Cut forward a few more years and I persuaded my reluctant husband to let me cut my hair. He didnt forbid it, he is more mature than that, but he said, he personally likes long hair in women. Any way, deep breath, took courage and cut my hair. I felt sooo good, liberated and finally felt that I looked good. Cut forward, 30 yrs later, still have short hair and hubby loves my 'saucy look' (his words). :)
For sometime who thinks I am a liberal who is totally for the choice of women, I get consistently embarrassed reading your amazing writing. I have never intervened in my wife's dressing in any manner except for asking if she is comfortable in what she wears. I can only comment if he dress looks good and never if it is 'appropriate'. But I admit that I don't stand up for her in front of my parents, when there is a bindi or a too short comment. I ignore, distract, lie, divert but never confront them. Something to work on again, after reading your article
An amazing read, as always! Sharing a couple of thoughts that popped up in my head while reading this, some personal, some general.
1. Recently, my mami visited my mother and I. She sat next to me on our sofa and said ‘Prarthna, you should not wear these shorts. Your thighs look so fat in them.’ Her comment did break my confidence but I managed to murmur ‘I really don’t care about how fat I look’ with all the courage left in me. Why can’t people just let us wear what we want to? Especially women, who have gone through the same things as us, just let us be?
2. I am trying to embrace my body hair and not indulge in hair removal. Yet, I find myself with a razor, or at a parlour waiting to get waxed, before I can wear my favourite dress, or a new pair of shorts that I just bought or even a cute top. Why can’t we love ourselves the way we are? Why can’t we wear what we want to without worrying about our body hair, which is so effing natural?
3. The Bindi anecdotes reminded me of earrings. It’s strange how families get their daughters’ ears pierced even before the girls can decide whether they want one or not. Earrings and ear piercings have become such a symbol of the feminine that little girls have to get their ears pierced without even knowing what they are signing up for. Why can’t we just ask women / girls what they want to wear?!
Again, thank you so much for evoking these thoughts in me! Love you work 😊
Aug 29, 2023·edited Aug 29, 2023Liked by Mahima Vashisht
I've been eagerly anticipating a new article, and the topic you've covered is truly thought-provoking! Just two weeks back, my cousin and I had a discussion about her going to a casual party. Her father suggested that she wear a see-through/ "skin-coloured" bindi with Western attire to stay culturally aligned while having fun. Another uncle didn't congratulate me on my PhD and job because I'm a single woman at 30. Your post is greatly appreciated, and I savored every part of it. I had a close colleague tell me that I should consider getting a new wardrobe before moving to my new job, because they thought that his perspective as a male is just what I needed.
I've been shamed by my ex for slacking in waxing duties, for wearing denims despite being "out of shape" and for some reason, some men at my workplace (which happens to be India's top research institute) assume that their unsolicited advice and suggestions about the hairstyle, hair accessories are welcome!
Arghhh! You've opened a can of worms, Mahima! Hair, dupatta, zevar, hijab, western/Indian...the list is endless! So glad we're having this conversation now though...about time!
Thank you, Mahima, for doing what you do. Your words validate the stories of our lives.
It’s fascinating but also deeply unsettling that I relate to all these stories. The mental gymnastics that every Indian woman performs to make her sartorial choices is incurably exhausting. This is one of the reasons why I rejected the idea of having a wedding at all, so that I could fully and finally reject all symbols of marital status that incarcerate a woman’s body.
But just when you think that you’ve reclaimed your choices, your in-laws come chasing after you to put on an aesthetically unappealing piece of gold jewellery because, well, my understated aesthetic (I am from Delhi, they from Andhra Pradesh) is “too much” for them. Speaking of aesthetics, who’s going to tell them how awful bright yellow looks against brown skin? Except, no one should tell them. Because that’s their aesthetic, and this is mine. To live and let live is a concept unfamiliar to most collectivist cultures.
Meanwhile, my husband is free to walk around unadorned. At the end of the day, it is always and only the woman’s body that is the site for compliance and for rebellion.
Loved this ! It really is so easy to be serious about the small things and be casual about the serious things. I feel it all starts and ends there. What one may feel is a "big issue" is a "small issue" for another. The best is to withdraw, not confront, ask why it is so important for the other and accept even if you don't believe in it.
Police yourself all you like, don't extend it to people you love ...
Now I understood why islam make supremacy in the world, and women in islam always support burqua,abaya and covering them till eyes.
As the more freedom and more previlege you give to someone it was taken for granted only,unless someone more orthodox invader stand at your door and say "swagat nhi kroge" hmari Islamic soch ka
Aah, hair, where do I begin? I lived in the US when I was 8yrs old and loved the short hair look. We moved back to North India in the 60s and I saw girls in my school having short hair. I begged my mother to let me cut my hair. Her reaction was What? Who will marry you? We are South Indians and women's hair is not to be cut...E V E R, unless god forbid, one is widowed, then off with all the hair! I asked her, are you raising me like a sheep to be slaughtered, fattening me for the kill? Anyway, cut forward to my wedding, one of the first things my mother in law said to me in private was - You are going to live in the US, wear what you like, just dont cut your hair. @#$! I was very upset, I ranted to my mother, see, I told you we should have cut my hair when I was 12, that way, future in laws would not have a say about it. Cut forward a few more years and I persuaded my reluctant husband to let me cut my hair. He didnt forbid it, he is more mature than that, but he said, he personally likes long hair in women. Any way, deep breath, took courage and cut my hair. I felt sooo good, liberated and finally felt that I looked good. Cut forward, 30 yrs later, still have short hair and hubby loves my 'saucy look' (his words). :)
For sometime who thinks I am a liberal who is totally for the choice of women, I get consistently embarrassed reading your amazing writing. I have never intervened in my wife's dressing in any manner except for asking if she is comfortable in what she wears. I can only comment if he dress looks good and never if it is 'appropriate'. But I admit that I don't stand up for her in front of my parents, when there is a bindi or a too short comment. I ignore, distract, lie, divert but never confront them. Something to work on again, after reading your article
An amazing read, as always! Sharing a couple of thoughts that popped up in my head while reading this, some personal, some general.
1. Recently, my mami visited my mother and I. She sat next to me on our sofa and said ‘Prarthna, you should not wear these shorts. Your thighs look so fat in them.’ Her comment did break my confidence but I managed to murmur ‘I really don’t care about how fat I look’ with all the courage left in me. Why can’t people just let us wear what we want to? Especially women, who have gone through the same things as us, just let us be?
2. I am trying to embrace my body hair and not indulge in hair removal. Yet, I find myself with a razor, or at a parlour waiting to get waxed, before I can wear my favourite dress, or a new pair of shorts that I just bought or even a cute top. Why can’t we love ourselves the way we are? Why can’t we wear what we want to without worrying about our body hair, which is so effing natural?
3. The Bindi anecdotes reminded me of earrings. It’s strange how families get their daughters’ ears pierced even before the girls can decide whether they want one or not. Earrings and ear piercings have become such a symbol of the feminine that little girls have to get their ears pierced without even knowing what they are signing up for. Why can’t we just ask women / girls what they want to wear?!
Again, thank you so much for evoking these thoughts in me! Love you work 😊
I've been eagerly anticipating a new article, and the topic you've covered is truly thought-provoking! Just two weeks back, my cousin and I had a discussion about her going to a casual party. Her father suggested that she wear a see-through/ "skin-coloured" bindi with Western attire to stay culturally aligned while having fun. Another uncle didn't congratulate me on my PhD and job because I'm a single woman at 30. Your post is greatly appreciated, and I savored every part of it. I had a close colleague tell me that I should consider getting a new wardrobe before moving to my new job, because they thought that his perspective as a male is just what I needed.
I've been shamed by my ex for slacking in waxing duties, for wearing denims despite being "out of shape" and for some reason, some men at my workplace (which happens to be India's top research institute) assume that their unsolicited advice and suggestions about the hairstyle, hair accessories are welcome!
Arghhh! You've opened a can of worms, Mahima! Hair, dupatta, zevar, hijab, western/Indian...the list is endless! So glad we're having this conversation now though...about time!
Thank you, Mahima, for doing what you do. Your words validate the stories of our lives.
It’s fascinating but also deeply unsettling that I relate to all these stories. The mental gymnastics that every Indian woman performs to make her sartorial choices is incurably exhausting. This is one of the reasons why I rejected the idea of having a wedding at all, so that I could fully and finally reject all symbols of marital status that incarcerate a woman’s body.
But just when you think that you’ve reclaimed your choices, your in-laws come chasing after you to put on an aesthetically unappealing piece of gold jewellery because, well, my understated aesthetic (I am from Delhi, they from Andhra Pradesh) is “too much” for them. Speaking of aesthetics, who’s going to tell them how awful bright yellow looks against brown skin? Except, no one should tell them. Because that’s their aesthetic, and this is mine. To live and let live is a concept unfamiliar to most collectivist cultures.
Meanwhile, my husband is free to walk around unadorned. At the end of the day, it is always and only the woman’s body that is the site for compliance and for rebellion.
Welcome back! 😃
A zinger of an issue, as per usual.
Loved this ! It really is so easy to be serious about the small things and be casual about the serious things. I feel it all starts and ends there. What one may feel is a "big issue" is a "small issue" for another. The best is to withdraw, not confront, ask why it is so important for the other and accept even if you don't believe in it.
Police yourself all you like, don't extend it to people you love ...
So happy to see you back! Such a phenomenal read.
Keep it Up ✊
What about burkha , hijab you don't point fingers at them
Now I understood why islam make supremacy in the world, and women in islam always support burqua,abaya and covering them till eyes.
As the more freedom and more previlege you give to someone it was taken for granted only,unless someone more orthodox invader stand at your door and say "swagat nhi kroge" hmari Islamic soch ka
Why the Bindi... word targeting Hindus done..