My wife would probably have told you what abhivyakti did. Men (may I say 80s kids) were conditioned directly or indirectly to have their moms' cooking and caring while dads earned. My mom earned too. She cared not just for us for but the extended family. Elders I met in the extended family would gush at how wonderful my mother was caring for her husbands parents and grandparents and even his brothers, all the while teaching high school kids physics. I knew it wasn't right. But when I got married, I thought I carried a lot of that subconsciously. I would help. but it was only help. Constant dialogues. fights. disagreements. And maybe now I see things differently, I'd like to believe. I still get knocked down for not doing enough dishes. But I also get more leeway because I think she sees that there is a lot more respect. Almost 2 decades later, maybe I have changed - a little.
Kudos to you for deliberating over a seemingly innocuous aspect of women's lives. Some people might even find this frivolous. But such a constant judgmental gaze will definitely shape every other area of a woman's life - her values, her thought process, etc. - and in ways that are impossible to measure.
Showcasing specific instances (vs. vague generalizations), does not only make this post easily relatable for women, but also helps men become aware of such biases they might (most likely) be harbouring - consciously or otherwise.
Just makes me feel realize how privileged I am. This extra layer of "how will I be judged" is such an extra and invisible burden women carry (and are often also blamed for)- Talk about double jeopardy :) Thanks M for always hitting the nail on its head. And what you are doing is creating a ripple.
"(Shaking head in disbelief) Why do families have to be so unreasonable... oh wait, my parents would say that too! Ummm (awkward silence)"
Every week, I read Womaning hoping that it won't be relatable, but it almost always is. These biases don't happen in a parallel universe, they're here and now. Thank you, Mahima, for calling them out.
If her mother-in-law was around, she would have taught her a lesson
- can we take a minute to applaud the presumption of the evilness of mother in laws here? This speaks of the mental make up of that rascal who uttered these words. Not all MILs are bad but this one had to be pointed out.
When I started reading this post I thought - God! This is just a given. Women should be careful with social media. Then, I paused and reflected on the stupidity of my thought and decided to post it here anyway. This is how ingrained the ‘dangerousness’ of social media is in my psyche.
I really don’t know how to address this issue and I cannot imagine what it is like to be haunted by your own family over a harmless picture. There is so much negativity. I think we should burn it all down.
You pls keep writing and I hope the work on the book is continuing.
Such an important topic Mahima. Thanks for writing. The number of anonymous posts even on closed all-women Facebook groups reflect the level of freedom women enjoy even on social media
I think it's very telling that Abhivyakti chose to project her fears onto the more liberated (questionable term, but still) women instead of first asking herself why she was insecure or unsure about it in the first place. Even if she does come around and acknowledge her own limitations, she would have already spread enough negativity and judgment to last a few years for said women. I've known more than a few such female people and it always pains me to realise how difficult we make lives for our own gender. Instead of pulling them up with us, we make sure that if we feel down, they feel worse on any given day. I think part of my hope from this and other such writing is to have more women take a harder look at how they treat each other and come out the kinder (towards women especially) for it.
Thank you so much for writing this Mahima. The first time I uploaded a picture of myself on Facebook, my grandmother's sister's husband said the Punjabi equivalent of ladki haath se nikal gayi hai, and the picture was just my face. And so many more comments, questions, instructions in the years after. I laugh at how random patriarchy gets sometimes, but it's saying something that I am no longer on social media. More power to you and your words! :)
My wife would probably have told you what abhivyakti did. Men (may I say 80s kids) were conditioned directly or indirectly to have their moms' cooking and caring while dads earned. My mom earned too. She cared not just for us for but the extended family. Elders I met in the extended family would gush at how wonderful my mother was caring for her husbands parents and grandparents and even his brothers, all the while teaching high school kids physics. I knew it wasn't right. But when I got married, I thought I carried a lot of that subconsciously. I would help. but it was only help. Constant dialogues. fights. disagreements. And maybe now I see things differently, I'd like to believe. I still get knocked down for not doing enough dishes. But I also get more leeway because I think she sees that there is a lot more respect. Almost 2 decades later, maybe I have changed - a little.
Kudos to you for deliberating over a seemingly innocuous aspect of women's lives. Some people might even find this frivolous. But such a constant judgmental gaze will definitely shape every other area of a woman's life - her values, her thought process, etc. - and in ways that are impossible to measure.
Showcasing specific instances (vs. vague generalizations), does not only make this post easily relatable for women, but also helps men become aware of such biases they might (most likely) be harbouring - consciously or otherwise.
Just makes me feel realize how privileged I am. This extra layer of "how will I be judged" is such an extra and invisible burden women carry (and are often also blamed for)- Talk about double jeopardy :) Thanks M for always hitting the nail on its head. And what you are doing is creating a ripple.
My reaction while reading this post:
"(Shaking head in disbelief) Why do families have to be so unreasonable... oh wait, my parents would say that too! Ummm (awkward silence)"
Every week, I read Womaning hoping that it won't be relatable, but it almost always is. These biases don't happen in a parallel universe, they're here and now. Thank you, Mahima, for calling them out.
If her mother-in-law was around, she would have taught her a lesson
- can we take a minute to applaud the presumption of the evilness of mother in laws here? This speaks of the mental make up of that rascal who uttered these words. Not all MILs are bad but this one had to be pointed out.
When I started reading this post I thought - God! This is just a given. Women should be careful with social media. Then, I paused and reflected on the stupidity of my thought and decided to post it here anyway. This is how ingrained the ‘dangerousness’ of social media is in my psyche.
I really don’t know how to address this issue and I cannot imagine what it is like to be haunted by your own family over a harmless picture. There is so much negativity. I think we should burn it all down.
You pls keep writing and I hope the work on the book is continuing.
Much gratitude
Such an important topic Mahima. Thanks for writing. The number of anonymous posts even on closed all-women Facebook groups reflect the level of freedom women enjoy even on social media
I think it's very telling that Abhivyakti chose to project her fears onto the more liberated (questionable term, but still) women instead of first asking herself why she was insecure or unsure about it in the first place. Even if she does come around and acknowledge her own limitations, she would have already spread enough negativity and judgment to last a few years for said women. I've known more than a few such female people and it always pains me to realise how difficult we make lives for our own gender. Instead of pulling them up with us, we make sure that if we feel down, they feel worse on any given day. I think part of my hope from this and other such writing is to have more women take a harder look at how they treat each other and come out the kinder (towards women especially) for it.
Thank you so much for writing this Mahima. The first time I uploaded a picture of myself on Facebook, my grandmother's sister's husband said the Punjabi equivalent of ladki haath se nikal gayi hai, and the picture was just my face. And so many more comments, questions, instructions in the years after. I laugh at how random patriarchy gets sometimes, but it's saying something that I am no longer on social media. More power to you and your words! :)