This is such an important conversation to be had with one’s partner! And I completely agree that our patriarchal society is to blame for how men think about household chores and responsibilities. Even the most progressive men never take charge like their female partners do. It’s especially hard when one lives abroad since nothing really can be outsourced, too expensive. So one ends up cooking and cleaning on top of everything else. Sigh!
Something that needs to be said..and then repeated on loop until everyone on the planet gets it. There is a fair amount of work around the house, even with hired help and grown up kids that should be balanced.
Such an important issue that needs to be addressed. As one of your interviewees remarked, it’s mostly an outcome of the social construct where most mothers make sure that the children (particularly sons) don’t have to support running up a household. Having grown up in a family where the dad was fully involved in managing the household, along with earning a livelihood, I bought that training with me to my marriage. While it wasn’t always easy, after a lot of back and forth and multiple discussions, we are at a place where we share the mental load almost equally. As you mention, it’s important to have a partner who understands and also important for females to realise that it’s not solely their responsibility and to work towards the equality of shared load!
I think i am in that 0.01% minority of men. I pay all the bills in our house and keep groceries stocked up as wife's job keeps her occupied many a times. Wife has not bought vegetables - i think ever. Earlier her parents used to do it, now I do it. I think I get the mental load thing to an extent at times when the cart is filled up on the App and I have switched off to something else burning. There should be a rule that all unmarried men must live alone for a year or two in a house without hired help. Living alone teaches you to survive and soon, hopefully you dont need a mom or wife to keep you alive. Then you can marry for companionship and not for self-care.
My partner and I share all the chores but still I have been experiencing mental exhaustion ever since I got married and thought it was my inability to run the household efficiently. But this article helped me understand the reason for that exhaustion. I was blaming myself all this while instead of taking care of myself.
Its a chain reaction. I discovered that many men, in my own circle, do not prefer hiring women. My own circle of educated, IIT-IIM, supposedly enlightened Men. I myself faced faced loss of appraisals and hikes for 2 years because i took, wait for it, 45 days maternity leave in a startup. Not 6 months, not 3 months, just 45 days to recuperate from the massive bodily discomfort of giving birth.
Recently, I myself heard from a recruiting agency "my client wants a men, for women whose all children are more than 8 years so that she does not have to focus on home". Why?
Because women has to take care of home, she is not free from guilt of being not available to her children. Why?
Because men in her family have shown her they are lousy caretakers of children, leave the home. She orders organic vegetables, he fed the kid maggi. Why?
Because Men have been taught to not bother "who dies from eating maggi?" Why?
Because they have been kept worry-free about health or house work or matters related to kitchen. Suddenly a grownup cannot start bothering or taking care. Why?
Because Men are careless in their DNA (this is pure speculation). A girl who has been brought up as a tomboy suddenly starts taking care of her child in the best way possible, and then sometimes she doesn't want to have kids because she knows she can't be a good mother.
Paternity leave can help a men support his wife during infant years of the child. But then I fear even "married men" would start getting discriminated against.
Also, if private companies can be let go from giving maternity leaves, then we will move towards a nation like Japan, where couples refrain from having children. Capitalism can make society go barren. What should government do? Because women are not able to do anything.
Coming back to men in my circle who avoid hiring women. I discovered there are enough women who avoid hiring women. Women employees are problematic, unless they do double the work, double the effort, express double the aggression to achieve, and actually achieve double. Then they can be considered for a potential opportunity.
This is such an important conversation to be had with one’s partner! And I completely agree that our patriarchal society is to blame for how men think about household chores and responsibilities. Even the most progressive men never take charge like their female partners do. It’s especially hard when one lives abroad since nothing really can be outsourced, too expensive. So one ends up cooking and cleaning on top of everything else. Sigh!
Something that needs to be said..and then repeated on loop until everyone on the planet gets it. There is a fair amount of work around the house, even with hired help and grown up kids that should be balanced.
This is a big eye opener to me & i understand the mistakes i do of trying play the deputy to my wife without taking the mental load on my own.
Thanks for sharing Sudha.
By
Mukundan
Such an important issue that needs to be addressed. As one of your interviewees remarked, it’s mostly an outcome of the social construct where most mothers make sure that the children (particularly sons) don’t have to support running up a household. Having grown up in a family where the dad was fully involved in managing the household, along with earning a livelihood, I bought that training with me to my marriage. While it wasn’t always easy, after a lot of back and forth and multiple discussions, we are at a place where we share the mental load almost equally. As you mention, it’s important to have a partner who understands and also important for females to realise that it’s not solely their responsibility and to work towards the equality of shared load!
Thank you for sharing. The irony wasn’t lost on me as I read this and took breaks to update my grocery list.
Now I know why my wife gets mad at me.
Mission accomplished 😎
I think i am in that 0.01% minority of men. I pay all the bills in our house and keep groceries stocked up as wife's job keeps her occupied many a times. Wife has not bought vegetables - i think ever. Earlier her parents used to do it, now I do it. I think I get the mental load thing to an extent at times when the cart is filled up on the App and I have switched off to something else burning. There should be a rule that all unmarried men must live alone for a year or two in a house without hired help. Living alone teaches you to survive and soon, hopefully you dont need a mom or wife to keep you alive. Then you can marry for companionship and not for self-care.
My partner and I share all the chores but still I have been experiencing mental exhaustion ever since I got married and thought it was my inability to run the household efficiently. But this article helped me understand the reason for that exhaustion. I was blaming myself all this while instead of taking care of myself.
What an eye opener read! Thanks Mahima ❤️
It's like you wrote about my day!
Its a chain reaction. I discovered that many men, in my own circle, do not prefer hiring women. My own circle of educated, IIT-IIM, supposedly enlightened Men. I myself faced faced loss of appraisals and hikes for 2 years because i took, wait for it, 45 days maternity leave in a startup. Not 6 months, not 3 months, just 45 days to recuperate from the massive bodily discomfort of giving birth.
Recently, I myself heard from a recruiting agency "my client wants a men, for women whose all children are more than 8 years so that she does not have to focus on home". Why?
Because women has to take care of home, she is not free from guilt of being not available to her children. Why?
Because men in her family have shown her they are lousy caretakers of children, leave the home. She orders organic vegetables, he fed the kid maggi. Why?
Because Men have been taught to not bother "who dies from eating maggi?" Why?
Because they have been kept worry-free about health or house work or matters related to kitchen. Suddenly a grownup cannot start bothering or taking care. Why?
Because Men are careless in their DNA (this is pure speculation). A girl who has been brought up as a tomboy suddenly starts taking care of her child in the best way possible, and then sometimes she doesn't want to have kids because she knows she can't be a good mother.
Paternity leave can help a men support his wife during infant years of the child. But then I fear even "married men" would start getting discriminated against.
Also, if private companies can be let go from giving maternity leaves, then we will move towards a nation like Japan, where couples refrain from having children. Capitalism can make society go barren. What should government do? Because women are not able to do anything.
Coming back to men in my circle who avoid hiring women. I discovered there are enough women who avoid hiring women. Women employees are problematic, unless they do double the work, double the effort, express double the aggression to achieve, and actually achieve double. Then they can be considered for a potential opportunity.