So I joined a Zumba class last year. Soon enough, I discovered that my classmates were in the habit of apologizing to the instructor for being ‘terrible dancers’ every time the music stopped.
Even when the instructor seemed perfectly happy with how the class was going.
Every time one woman gave that unnecessary apology, another would chime in with, ‘Mote ho gaye hain na, hila bhi nahi jaata ab’(We have become so fat that we can’t even move properly anymore.)
And then they would look around at the audience expectantly, and everyone else would oblige them by laughing at this hilarious joke.
You don’t know what the words ‘sad laughter’ mean until you see someone laugh at a preemptive fat joke they cracked about themselves.
A few weeks in, my classmates started a weight loss contest.
I was easily the heaviest in the class, but no one had noticed that I was also the only one who had never self-fat-shamed yet. So it was automatically assumed that I was going to join the contest. Until I gently declined to join the WhatsApp group they were creating for their daily weight updates.
I told them I was happy as long as the class helped me get fitter and healthier, and that obsessing over my weight was unhealthy for me.
Horrified looks were exchanged, and then everyone spoke at once.
“Of course, we are also talking about fitness here!”
“Yes yes, that is what this is about!”
“Losing weight is the same thing as getting healthy!”
Not wanting to start an argument, I just smiled and shook my head in a ‘thanks, but no thanks’ as the next song began.
I could feel suspicious eyes boring into my back as we all started following the steps to Gasolina.
‘What alien species of woman does not actively hate her fat body with all she’s got?’
In the following weeks, every class began and ended with updates of crash dieting shared with immense pride, and tales of normal human food consumption shared with extreme shame.
“My mother made her signature laddoos, I couldn’t resist having one. I am so ashamed.”
“I feel horrible - I ate two rotis at lunch yesterday.”
“I have stopped eating rotis altogether. Cut carbs, that is the solution.”
At some point, someone suffered an intermittent bout of good sense and asked, “What is our goal here?”
Pat came the reply, “The goal is to become less gol (round)”. Even I had to admit that was a good one.
By the end of the contest month, I heard that one or two women had lost a little weight. Most had lost and then regained the weight. Some of the most hardcore players had to completely stop coming to class for some time because of exhaustion or muscle pain.
This was clearly due to over-exercising and crash dieting, but when they returned they chalked up the ‘failure’ to poor willpower.
“Mote ho gaye hain na, diet aur exercise bhi nahi hota ab.” (We have become so fat that we can’t even diet and exercise properly anymore.)
And gol and gol we go.
Wanted: Smooth hairless legs from thigh to toe
Arushi has a list of all her ‘flaws’ locked and loaded in her head at all times.
“As someone who has had acne way into her twenties, I spend a lot of time scrutinizing my skin for minute improvements. Every time I see someone with flawless skin, my insecurities around my skin resurface.
I am also quite hairy. I particularly hate my legs. I hate the painful effort it takes me to reach smooth, hairless legs from thigh to toe. I wear ankle-length trousers/pants at all times to hide my hairy legs.
I fight a similar battle with my facial hair too. I cannot bear the pain of waxing my face so I end up shaving often. Every day, I go to my workplace wondering whether people can notice and are judging me - either for having hair or for shaving it.”
Arushi says she is tired of living the dichotomy of both - awareness of the harm that toxic body standards have on women, and shame around her body.
“I am keenly aware of how these insane body standards affect women disproportionately. I advocate body positivity for every other woman. Yet, I am not able to convince myself to be comfortable in my skin, or even wear the clothes that I really want to without fear or shame. It is not easy to undo and unlearn a lifetime of being reminded of how my body is not enough.”
Wanted: Silky soft straight hair
Uvika has a hormonal condition that causes her weight to fluctuate often.
“I suffer from depression and anxiety. Coupled with my hormones, this has made me gain 10kgs over the last year. So I am constantly worried about not looking good in certain clothes.
When photos are being taken, I feel anxious about how I must look from certain angles. I am obsessed with finding the best angle to hide my body fat. I also started thinking about my body very negatively. My inner voice tells me ‘this is a fat body’. I focus on all the parts where I am carrying the extra weight and think about how bad the loose flesh or cellulite looks.”
But lately, Uvika has been having another realization about her body.
“I am slowly realizing that my problem with my body is not just the increased weight.
When I was in school, I hated my curly frizzy hair. I used to dream of having silky soft straight hair like you would see on movie stars.
During my teenage years, I started feeling critical of my skin. My skin is dry and pigmented - my armpits are pigmented, the corners of my mouth are pigmented.
When the dry skin went away, I started getting pimples, and would hate my skin for that.
Even 10kgs ago, I used to have some facial hair because of the hormonal imbalance, and I was constantly critical about how my face looked. ”
Uvika traces the roots of her negative inner voice to her childhood.
“My hatred for my body is very deeply ingrained.
Growing up, relatives and extended family used to casually criticize various aspects of my appearance every time we met. Pointing out a flaw in the appearance of a young girl was almost an accepted form of greeting in our community.
How can a little girl growing up on a diet of such caustic remarks become a woman who loves her body no matter what?
I am now realizing that there has been no moment in my whole life that I have had unconditional love for my body, irrespective of whether or not I met some arbitrary beauty standards of society.
The harsh, critical voice of my extended family has become my inner voice.”
Wanted: Prettiest fairest thinnest body in the land
Niharika says that this toxic messaging around women’s bodies is hard for women to unlearn because it has been thrown at them from all directions all their lives - family, society, pop culture, and now, even doctors.
“My childhood was spent watching TV shows where the male protagonist always fell for the fair, pretty, thin girl.
At home, there would be nonchalant remarks from relatives like ‘oho iska rang toh thoda saawala hai’ (oh no, she has dark skin). I actually have wheatish skin but because of these comments, to this day I feel self-conscious about my complexion not being ‘fair enough’.
At school, the prettiest thinnest fairest girls always centrestage at annual day functions.
Mothers would chide their daughters if they even went out to play in the sun.”
Boys’ bodies did not receive even a fraction of the attention, scrutiny, and criticism that girls’ did.
Niharika echoes Arushi’s sentiments when she says that despite knowing all about body positivity today, she still struggles with this harsh inner voice that is constantly pointing out flaws in her body.
“I would be lying if I said that I have left all self-critical thoughts about my body behind. Today we talk about things like ‘body positivity’ - which is all about treating your body with love, kindness, and respect. But at the same time, the pressure on women and girls to look ‘perfect’ is higher today than any time in history.
You just have to open your phone to find thin, fair, picture-perfect women with perfect skin and hair smiling at you from every social media app. Making surgical alterations to your face and body - something that used to be limited to celebrities - has become far more mainstream today.”
Niharika recounted a visit to a dermatologist that showed her how systemic this pursuit of perfection has become.
“Last week, I made my first appointment with a dermatologist for my acne. She asked me zero questions about my diet, exercise, hormonal reports, etc. Within just a few minutes, she told me to go for micro-needling on my face. She said, ‘Everyone is getting it these days’.
This is essentially what microneedling is. Left side is a roller. Right side is a pen. Inside my brain is abject horror.
She pitched very hard for it. On seeing my reluctance, she started counting names of famous Instagram influencers who get it. One of them advocates natural skin care with homemade products in her reels, but regularly gets micro-needling done!”
It is no surprise that most women are losing the body positivity battle when we face this nonstop messaging that our bodies are wrong. We need to just buy this cream, get this procedure, or go on this diet to achieve perfection.
Ada shares how much thought she puts into being photographed.
“There is a constant right and left profile thing I do. Most women I know closely do it too. While clicking pictures we choose our ‘better profile’ and stand accordingly to hide the other. I used to think it was a self-esteem problem only I suffered from.
But when you start noticing it, you realize that almost every woman subtly or explicitly does it when the cameras come up. We also suck in our tummies, and put out hands on our waists so that our arms look ‘toned’ - which means as stick thin as humanly possible.
Once you start seeing it, you cannot unsee it!”
Source: Femina Miss India 2016, Kolkata Auditions
Ada recollected an experience she had at a friend’s wedding recently.
“On her wedding day, she came out in her exquisite Sabyasachi lehenga with makeup done by a celebrity artist. She was the most stunning bride I had ever seen. It was an emotional moment for her - she was minutes away from becoming a married woman.
In this pivotal moment, just as we started clicking bridesmaids photos, she quickly reminded all of us to click all the pictures for our Instagram stories in ‘her filter’. Yes, she has a filter that is ‘her filter’ because she believes it makes her look fairest and hides her blemishes best.
Amid all emotion and commotion, she never forgot to shout “in that filter” everytime she heard a camera click. I never discussed it with her but it broke my heart to imagine how many times society must have reminded her of her flaws for her to be this obsessed. To be unable to focus on her own wedding day without needing the crutch of that filter - not even on her wedding day, not even after the layers of professional makeup and dressing up.
During her wedding ceremony, all I did was see how insanely gorgeous she was and wonder, “If this isn’t ‘enough’ (whatever that means) then what really is? Are we supposed to live on an infinite diet of insecurities?”
Wanted: A cellulite-free bum
The first time Lamiya remembers being body-shamed was by her own mother.
“When I was a teenager, my mother started doing some multi-level marketing for a cosmetic brand. They had just come out with a new product that supposedly reduced cellulite.
She said to me, ‘Oh, you can use this product - you have a big bum!’
This comment really hit me hard because it had never occurred to me that a part of my body was a ‘problem’ until then.
And I swear - for the next 10 years, I was constantly worried about how my bum looked. It became the focal point of almost everything I did - how I dressed, what I ate, how I walked - everything was about hiding my ‘big bum’.
That is where it started.”
Lamiya says that growing up, she also generally saw a lot of fat phobia in her home.
“My parents are fitness nuts even now - which is great - but they never had too much sympathy for people who ‘let themselves go’. They have always been able to motivate themselves to eat healthy and exercise, so they don’t have a lot of regard for the many psychosocial factors that prevent people from working towards thinness (aka ‘fitness’).
Comments on peoples’ body parts being misshapen were so common in my home. Someone’s arms, someone bum (mine!), someone’s belly - everything was smoked.
I now understand that my parents didn’t mean harm but it did make me internalize a lot of shame for any excess weight I ever carried.”
A few years later, Lamiya was in medical college.
“I took up running regularly. Even the fellow doctors-in-training around me would comment, ‘You are so thin. Why do you need to run?’ So health was never considered the point of exercising even there. It was all about how a woman’s body looked.
A part of me must have internalized all the obsession with weight because within a few years, I was running 10km at least 3-4 times a week and surviving on 2 chapatis a day. I told myself I was doing this to be ‘healthy’, but as a practicing psychiatrist today, I know that I was suffering from an undiagnosed eating disorder.
Today, I can see how that was a mental health issue rather than an effort to be healthier. Thankfully I came out of it once some stressors in my life reduced, but I know so many women who continue to battle such issues their entire lives.”
Dr. Lamiya talks about the roots of such disorders and how we can do better.
“Avoidant restrictive food intake is an eating disorder commonly seen in women. Young girls are impressionable and they get the message that ‘thin is good, fat is bad’ from every direction. I remember how Kareena Kapoor had her ‘size zero’ phase when we were young, and it overnight became an aspiration for young Indian women across the country.
We need better role models for young girls and women. I have now replaced the size zero ideal with my adoration for women on social media who talk about working out for fitness/strength rather than size/weight.”
Wanted: ‘Perfection’
Swathi ran me through a lifelong journey of having hated her body for various reasons from childhood to adulthood.
“When I was 13, an aunt referred to my completely-normal-for-a-teenager acne as ‘headlights on her face’.
One day, I noticed kids at school walking in a twisted way outside my class. They were making fun of my knock-knees, a genetically inherited condition I have. I started wearing longer skirts to hide my knees.
I have never liked them since then. Even today, everytime I catch my reflection in a storefront mirror on the road, I notice my knees turning inwards and automatically try to change my awkward walk.”
Photo credit: Boston Children’s Hospital
Swathi got into fitness and started working out in college.
“I was proud of having lost weight the healthy way. But then, a woman classmate helpfully pointed out that I hadn’t lost my arm fat yet.
‘Once your arms are thinner, it’ll be perfect.’
I realised that there will always be that one thing we as women will look at ourselves or at others with insecurity. That ‘perfection’ will always be one more ‘effort’ away.
I have heard women hating their perfectly normal noses (pakode jaisi naak - nose like a dumpling), their ears, their hairlines, and even their fingers (‘my fingers are so stubby’).
Even hair is not spared. ‘Silky is good, frizzy is bad.’ Forget the fact that we live in a humid tropical country where almost everyone’s hair is naturally frizzy unless they blowdry it everyday.
As a woman, you are never expected to say, ‘I am okay with it’ about your body’s ‘defects’. You should look aghast and agree furiously. ‘Yes, yes, this part of my body is terrible!’”
It is a toxic form of ‘solidarity’ with other women which is expressed by hating yourself.
The inordinate focus on her body’s ‘defects’ continued unabated when Swathi entered the workforce.
“One day, the receptionist at my office casually pointed to my arms and said, ‘Stretch marks? Do something no?’
Those marks had never bothered me before. But after that day, I started considering skin lightening and laser treatments to erase them.
The most awful incident happened when I was lying on the table at a gynaecologist’s clinic for an examination. Out of nowhere, she jiggled my belly fat and went ‘Once you reduce this, you will be fine.’”
But, Swathi says, whatever body shaming the world has done to her pales in comparison to the body shaming she has done to herself.
“I have always been at war with my body. I have jiggled my stomach, whacked my thighs, pinched my arms, pressed down my chin to see how I would look without a double chin. I have pressed and pinched my nose to make it look thinner. I have covered a pigmented edge of my lips to see what I would look like without it.
‘If this blob disappeared, I would be perfect. If my nose never was shaped that way, I would be perfect.’
I have looked at pictures of myself and the words, ‘Ugh I look so faaaat’ have escaped my lips before I could stop them.”
Swathi’s husband recently made a poignant observation that gave her (and me) pause.
“He pointed out that I refer to my body as a separate entity, and not as “I,”.
I realised every woman I know exists in this duality. There is me, and then there is my body.
We have dissociated ourselves from our own bodies. We are alive only as long as we are in our bodies, yet we are cursed to never accept them completely.”
Wanted: A woman who loves herself
I know I made myself sound pretty evolved in that introductory Zumba story. But this has not been an easy journey.
Just like every other woman in this piece, I grew up with no issues whatsoever with my body - until society started helpfully pointing out all the ways it was ‘wrong’.
My body has always attracted cruel comments at worst, and backhanded compliments… also at worst.
And then I was stuck in every woman’s familiar pattern of hating myself for decades.
It has been only recently that I have had the realization that Swathi did - we are our bodies, and our bodies are us.
My body has given me every joy I have ever experienced. She is why I am able to move around, eat, drink, jump, run, dance, sing, sleep, write... She even created my favourite person on the planet.
My body is a bonafide rockstar. I better show her some Goddamned respect.
Once this penny dropped, the other pennies followed quickly:
We are not supposed to ‘fit into’ any clothes. Clothes are supposed to fit us.
Thin is not necessarily equal to healthy, and fat is not necessarily equal to unhealthy.
We need to eat healthy and exercise because we love our bodies. Not because we hate them.
Unfollow anyone on the internet who does not make you feel love for yourself. And follow only the pages that do.
Ban criticizing yourself or anyone else based on their appearance in your home, especially around children.
Appreciate or chide yourself and your kids for choices, not genetic lotteries.
The body positivity movement is brilliant and we are lucky to be alive in a time when it is around. It is not easy to unlearn decades of self-hatred after receiving one positive message. But maybe 1000 will do the trick? Or 10,000?
Fake it till you make it, beautiful. The goal is to do fewer self-goals every day.
🔥 If you are an aspiring writer - or even someone who just wants to make their emails shine - check out my writing course, which includes one-on-one mentoring where I help you write better, write consistently, and write your newsletter/blog/book/email.
Marketing is the art of stealing people's self worth, and selling it back to them for the price of the product. Better stop going to places which are designed for the sole purpose of stealing your self worth :)
So my mom is of a very fair complexion and I am at least 3-4 shades darker than her. I could relate so hard to the stories of families being responsible for giving you these insecurities. My entire family always used to pass comments on my complexion, how fat I was and how hairy my face was. I remember an incident where a relative of mine gave me a look of almost disgust and asked my mom “Is this your daughter?”
It has taken a lot of acceptance and unlearning to make some progress on accepting my complexion, my body hair.
I think having a partner who understands my insecurities and makes me question them all the time has helped a lot in this journey. Hence I would urge all the men reading this to consciously put in efforts to help women in their lives to overcome their insecurities and accept their bodies as they are. Thanks Mahima for writing this!
Marketing is the art of stealing people's self worth, and selling it back to them for the price of the product. Better stop going to places which are designed for the sole purpose of stealing your self worth :)
So my mom is of a very fair complexion and I am at least 3-4 shades darker than her. I could relate so hard to the stories of families being responsible for giving you these insecurities. My entire family always used to pass comments on my complexion, how fat I was and how hairy my face was. I remember an incident where a relative of mine gave me a look of almost disgust and asked my mom “Is this your daughter?”
It has taken a lot of acceptance and unlearning to make some progress on accepting my complexion, my body hair.
I think having a partner who understands my insecurities and makes me question them all the time has helped a lot in this journey. Hence I would urge all the men reading this to consciously put in efforts to help women in their lives to overcome their insecurities and accept their bodies as they are. Thanks Mahima for writing this!