If only we could love our children

Issue #121: If I had a magic wand...

Hello ji,

I was interviewed as a guest on a podcast last week.

In accordance with the post-Koffee code of conduct, my interview ended with a fun rapid-fire round.

One question for which my own rapid-fire answer surprised me was “If you could wave a magic wand and change one thing about our world, what would it be?”

I think both – the host and I – expected me to talk about something related to building a gender-equitable world.

But thanks to the influence of my own Mumma-in-progress words on me, the immediate answer I heard in my own voice was, “If only we could all love our children.”

Sometimes, some words come from so deep within your soul that it is best to let them flow unconsidered and unjudged. This was definitely one of those times.

If I had stopped to judge my answer, I think I would have changed it to something less… well, hipster.

But the more I think back to that answer now, the more it makes sense to me.

Hear me out…

Ask any parent why they had children, and most will look at you as if you have lost your mind. Parenthood is considered as integral to the human experience as, say, breathing, eating, or sleeping.

They might say something about the biological clock, or about familial pressure, but essentially, what they are saying is, “I live, therefore, I procreated.”

There is, of course, an evolutionary rationale behind this thought. The purpose of all species put on this planet is to sustain themselves so procreating has – for all species since the beginning of time – been an evolutionary imperative, and seldom a matter of choice.

The bacteria does not make a mindful decision to multiply. It’s just programming. But should it be the same for humans?

This is where humanity differs (or at least it should).

We can choose to have children, just as well as we can choose not to have them.

Yet, there is a criminal number of children in the world who were brought into this world unconsidered.

Bear with me now, because this next part might seem like a stretch at first – I think that people procreating because of societal, biological, familial reasons – basically any reason other than truly madly deeply wanting to love a child – is the cause for all problems in the world.

I am not even exaggerating for effect, I promise.

Think about it - Unloved children grow up to be adults who inflict and tolerate violence, cruelty, extortion, exploitation, greed, and hatred.

And isn’t this an accurate and comprehensive summary of all the problems our world faces today?

Climate change, war, crony capitalism, tribalism, bigotry, corruption – don’t they all stem from these same sources that can be traced back to adult unloved children?

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As parents, we spend an inordinate amount of our time, resources, and worries in pursuit of the best schools, the best holidays, the best after-school classes for our kids. It makes sense to us because some of these pursuits can indeed give our kids a slight advantage over other kids.

But really, the one thing that we should be worrying about most – the one thing that will give them an advantage that will span not just across their lifetime, but across generations – is, “Are we loving our children the way they deserve to be?”

We don’t owe our kids the most expensive school.

We don’t owe them the most exotic vacation.

We definitely don’t owe them the latest iPhone.

Yet, these are the things most parents brag about when trying to establish the quality of their parenthood.

When we choose to bring a life into this world, into our homes, there is only one thing that we owe them – irrespective of how rich or poor we are – and it is unconditional love.

Have you ever received love like that?

Love that forgives, love that is kind, love that does not judge, nor hold a grudge.

Love that does not burden you with expectations, instead sets you free to be the best version of yourself?

It is that kind of love that we all owe our children. (And our inner children.)

The kind of love that imbues our children with the confidence that they are worthy. The kind of love that makes them glow from within. The kind of love that spreads to every person they come in contact with, every room they walk into, every task they touch.

The kind of love that immunizes them against all the hatred in the world put together.

My hypothesis is that if we all approached parenting a tad more as a mindful choice than an evolutionary imperative, we would find that all we need – after all these years of searching – is love.

If I had a magic wand, I would make all the children of the world start getting that kind of love today. And I guarantee you would see the biggest problems that plague our world evaporate within one generation.

Here is a gentle reminder to accept your kids as they come, to cherish them – not for the potential of who they might become tomorrow – but for the treasure of who they are in this moment.

Here is a reminder – for anyone who needed to hear it – to simply love.

Mahima